Out with the Old, In with the New

I've been working at getting my new blog up and running! It's nearly ready, and I'm SO excited!

If you are on FaceBook, I would really appreciate if you would pop over to my blogging page and "Like" it. I'm hoping and praying to bring you encouragement and blessing through both that page and the blog. I'd really appreciate if you shared it with your friends as well!

Also, my new blog is there, just don't quite have all the tweaking finished yet. You're welcome to pop on in and let me know what you think! Also, there's a place for you to put your email address to get each blog post emailed directly to you. I will NOT send you anything else, and you'll be sure not to miss anything! (I may eventually do a newsletter, but you'll have to opt in for that separately... we'll see if I can find the energy to do something like that!)

C'mon over and meet me there! Not much there yet, but soon it will be a bit more lively!

And, sadly, this is likely to be the last post for this blog. It's rather bittersweet to say goodbye... but sometimes old things must be set aside for the better things.

Writer's Conference!

A week ago tonight I was in the vehicle heading home from beautiful Michigan, and an amazing writer's conference. I had a wonderful time there, meeting friends in real life for the first time who have meant a lot to me over the years in their own different ways. There wasn't nearly enough time to squeeze in all the visiting I wanted to do!

I learned a lot about the different available avenues of getting written work out there to be read, including the publishing process and social media. I learned some of the mechanics of writing and editing. I heard a LOT of inspiring speakers, reminding us that our measure of success is being obedient to God's voice, not in the number of books with our name on the front cover, or how many hits a blog post gets. We are writing for His glory.

I traveled with a dear, dear friend, and our time together was gloriously sweet and refreshing... what both of us needed, I believe! I was so encouraged and blessed spending time with this woman who has such a passionate heart for God, and for God's daughters. (If you need contact info for a motivational speaker, let me know!)

What does the aftermath of this conference mean for me? It means a lot of soul searching, facing up to a schedule overload, and the movement to a bigger and better (hopefully!) blog platform. It might be quiet around here for awhile until I can get some things organized and set up, as I only have so much time in my day and the kids get most of it. So, keep on the lookout for further updates and the announcement of the new blog, coming soon!

Water, Water, Everywhere

After my last post was a bit heavy, thought I'd lighten things up with what we've been doing lately! Most of all, just listening to it rain. It's been SO wet here, everything is soggy and muddy. I am so grateful we finally have some decent grass, so at least the mud isn't quite as close to the house. The poor horses and cows, though... October in Wisconsin is kind of miserable!


We've been working off and on at putting a front porch on our house, which included refinishing my grandma's old picnic table. I'm thrilled! I think I might actually eventually learn to like this house after all. (Just in case you're wondering, no, I haven't liked our house. I like the location and the property, but not the house. I think mostly because I was burned out from remodeling our previous house and not ready to face another huge project, and this one has been a whopper.) The most delightful part of our new porch is that we are putting a small second story balcony above part of it, which will be accessed from the master bedroom. I'm dreaming of being able to do my writing with a big westward view next summer!

The last two days have been very humid and warm, resulting in the yearly plague of Asian beetles and Boxelder bugs. Just stepping outside the door can feel like an aerobic exercise trying to keep them from going into the house and out of all convenient crevices on one's person. Thankfully it usually only lasts a short time, and we'll soon be back to normal exits and entrances.

The baby of the family finally moved out of her toddler bed into her own room and big girl bed. Not quite sure how ready I was for this progress (I won't confess how long I've been putting it off!), but she is thrilled. So thrilled, in fact, that she runs to put her jammies on as soon as supper is over, then comes to kiss us all goodnight before snuggling in... for about 10 minutes, until the sounds of the rest of us going about our evening are too enticing and she has to get up to check out what's up. The toddler bed and changing table/dresser have been sold, and all the clothes she's outgrown have found new homes. Sigh. But I'm super duper glad to be done with potty training and, for the most part, interrupted nights.

Overall, we've stayed pretty healthy and happy lately! Way too busy for our own good, I think, but that comes with the season as we frantically try to get everything we need to buttoned up before winter shows up... racing between raindrops.

A Facebook Meme Rant

Lately I've been seeing this meme posted and shared across FaceBook land. It hit me wrong the first time I saw it, but I'm really good at scrolling on by and not starting drama. The second time I saw it I started to reply, but then chose not to because I'd be writing an epistle. But I kept seeing it, and my heart breaks every time.

First of all, for those who call themselves Christians (and everyone I've seen post this would say they are a Christian I believe), is there any time when we "should" be scared? Terrified, even? Where is our trust in God? There are SO many verses about not being afraid, but believing. Even in bad situations. Even when Christians are being persecuted and killed. God has a greater plan, and evil cannot win in the end.

I am the mother of sons. I am also the mother of daughters. I have been studying and researching trauma and abuse recently, mostly spiritual abuse but it seems quite intertwined with sexual abuse. And what I've been learning has been heartrending. Especially in true life stories, told to me by friends who have lived it.

Statistics show that less than 5% of reported sexual abuse is false. Less than 5%. That's a staggeringly low number. That means 95+% of the time when someone, male or female, says they were abused, they are right.

In contrast, many victims of sexual abuse will never find the courage to say anything about it. Why? Because they won't be believed. They don't have hard evidence. They are traumatized and dissociate, hiding those memories so far back they don't even seem to exist any more. They feel ashamed. They don't know it was wrong, even though it made them feel dirty/yucky/guilty. They feel guilty. They wonder if they asked for it, if they were somehow at fault. In our culture, in our day and age, those are very valid feelings and concerns.

Get this. Only about 30% of sexual abuse is actually reported. That means 70% isn't reported. One of the biggest reasons? The victim fears he or she won't be believed. When only 5% of reports are false... this meme is in actuality very far from reality.

My biggest concern with it? Is that it assumes the son is right, and is always going to be right. Let's face it, our children don't always make the right choices. To predetermine that my son is going to be in the right no matter what is choosing to be blind to the possibility he might be in the wrong. If something comes up, don't automatically assume that it's an unfounded smear campaign. It might be. But chances are, it isn't. Don't just assume that because someone, and sexual abusers can be male or female, seems to be doing everything right, that they are safe. So many victims have been silenced because their abuser was the "godliest man in church" or a church leader... and no one would believe their story if they did find the courage to tell.

Be careful. Tread softly. Walk in truth and compassion. Listen deeply. Care. There is hope, restoration, and healing for victims... and the repentant offender.

(This is not a political article. I understand the controversy raging right now in politics and I am not in a position to comment on that. My goal here is to help those who are true victims gain the confidence that they will be heard and not drug through the mud because they had the courage to speak out, and to gain a compassionate ear for them to speak to.)

(Percentage info taken from https://www.nsopw.gov/(X(1)S(hrrztxcs5nbyiq5wrxfvvnvr))/en-US/Education/FactsStatistics?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1 )

The Saga of a Pharisee

Continued from the Spiritual Abuse article.

My story began as a very small child. I'm not sure when my parents first attended Bill Gothard's seminar, but I don't remember it happening. I don't remember when the books published by his organization crept into our home, or when the concepts began to affect everyday life, but it was there since before I could remember. 

It was subtle.

It was so easy to believe. 

If you just do ____ right, God will reward you. If you raise your children just right according to this formula, you will have bright eyed, obedient, and delightful children. If you memorize enough Scripture, you won't struggle with sin. God needs you to be a good witness for Him at all times. The teachings crept like cancer through our minds and hearts, and this is only touching a few parts of it! 

Among the worst of all, was the quiet and ever present underlying assumption: we have a corner on God others don't. We understand the Bible better than those who don't follow the formulas in utter, unquestioning obedience. There was a constant quest to know more of what was right. The Bible was touted as having all the answers for modern life if you just looked hard enough. We had to continually strive to become more and more holy, and more pleasing to God, in order to be successful.

This journey to more holiness led us deeper, and we began to follow other teachers who for the most part preached similar works-oriented gospel, harping on obedience and pleasing God. We girls started wearing only long dresses or skirts, in an attempt to be "modest" and keep men from lusting after us. Slowly we were hidden away, cut off from people who weren't good enough to associate with us. Oh, it was never said quite that way of course. Just, this or that family was being a bad influence, or were being too permissive with their children, or disagreed theologically somehow. But somehow, we knew we were better than them. We were doing everything right. We were the ones leaving everything behind in order to follow God.

Our lives were motivated by fear, and pride. Fear that if we didn't do everything right, we would fail and not make it to heaven after all. And a subtle, quiet pride that we were on the "in" with pleasing God while others hadn't yet achieved our enlightened state.

If you take a good look at the gospels, you often get a glimpse of a group of people who were the leaders of the Jewish religious life. They spent hours studying the Scriptures. They made sure they were doing everything right, according to the strictest interpretation possible. They knew exactly what God wanted, they were the chosen people, and they had the law and the prophets to back them up. 

Yet they missed God in the flesh, come down to earth. They missed Him so completely that they insisted He be killed. And it's no wonder. He had nothing nice to say to them, or about them. He called them blind, and they were blinded by their strict adherence to their doctrinal interpretation of the law and the prophets. While completely missing the real God in the middle of it all. 

For too many years, I walked the road of the Pharisee as well. I was sure I was doing the best I could to make God happy, to obey Him, and to be a good witness. I tried doing all the right things, in the best way, including killing my natural talents and desires, to please my authorities like god surely said I must. All the time oblivious to the fact that the God I loved had been placed in a neat, tidy little box of explainable divinity, when in reality He is so far beyond our comprehension that there hasn't been a box big enough yet to contain... or explain... Him. 

I was spiritually abused, my teachers and leaders showing me a picture of who they wished God would be, and inhibiting my deepest longings to know the vast, unexplainable Eternal One. I was a spiritual abuser, expecting others to conform to my ideas of what Christianity should look like and act like, with judgement and without much real love. I live with the consequences

every day. Never feeling like I can quite measure up. Always feeling like a failure, a less-than, inadequate, unaccepted. 

While all the time, I am a beloved daughter of the King. He delights in who He created me to be. His holiness is my holiness. I am covered by the blood, accepted, perfect. I have found forgiveness, and a joy that my own efforts to make myself joyful never quite managed. It's beautiful. 

And I am free.

Spiritual Abuse--An Overview

Maybe you've seen me mention spiritual abuse a couple of times lately on this blog, and are wondering what in the world I'm talking about. In today's world, we're free to talk about physical abuse, and we all understand it's wrong. Or, at least I hope we do. Sexual abuse is a hot topic. But spiritual abuse... we reel at that idea. How does one take something spiritual, and thus generally accepted as good, and add abuse to it? Don't those two words represent opposing ideology?

They should. They really should. Far too often, though, they become melded into a devastating whole.

Some people will jump on this bandwagon as victims and ride it for all it's worth. Some people will refuse to acknowledge that they may be victims... or abusers... or both. A few will carefully scrutinize this concept, accept their situation, and seek healing and hope. For there is healing and hope in honesty and facing up to reality instead of hiding from it.

So, what is spiritual abuse?

Maybe we should ask, what is abuse?

The dictionary defines abuse a couple of different ways: 1. to use something to bad effect or for a bad purpose; 2. to treat a person or an animal with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly; and 3. speaking in an insulting and offensive way to or about someone.

I see spiritual abuse checking off all those definitions. But it's subtle, elusive, and smothered in Bible verses handpicked for the occasion. Spiritual abuse encompasses so much it's hard to pin down a definition to a reasonable sentence. To attempt the impossible though, it's basically coming between someone and God, and using God to control another person's life. It uses someone's desire to please God or fear of Him to squelch the person He created them to be. It can be very cruel, and occasionally violent, especially to the helpless, and when it is so, it is usually regular and repeated. And it causes many people to speak insultingly of and to others.

Before you walk away and say you don't know what I'm talking about, you or your fellow church members would never do such a thing, stop a little longer.

Do you see the people in your church/fellowship/community as better, healthier, happier, and having more of God's revelation of His word than the church down the street, or someone you might randomly meet somewhere? Do you feel you stick to His Word in obedience when most others on the "outside" don't? Do you feel you have it all together, and mostly figured out what a good Christian life consists of? Then, maybe you could stop to consider whether you are walking the walk of the Pharisees or the publican.

...to be continued, in the Saga of a Pharisee.

Book Review: Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

I've decided to start doing a book review here and there, for anyone interested in picking up some new reading material. I've been reading a LOT of great books lately, some of which have been life changing for me. I may also choose at some point in the future to review some books which I've found damaging, we'll see. 

"Boundaries" is a book I've read a couple of times now. We have it on Audible. And I frequently recommend it on some of the FaceBook groups I'm a part of. I'm actually coordinating a book study on FaceBook right now of this book. (If you're on FaceBook and want to be included, please let me know!)

In the interest of brevity, I'm going to quote from the dust jacket of the book:
"Christians often focus so much on being loving and giving that they forget their own limits and limitation. Have you ever found yourself wondering: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries? In this … book, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give you biblically based answers to theses and other tough questions, and show you how to set healthy boundaries with your parents, spouses, children, friends, coworkers, and even yourself. Boundaries are personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life."

Read that last sentence again. Boundaries are what define you as you, and not someone else. The most basic boundary is your skin. BUT that is not the only one. You have a responsibility to maintain what is "you"--what is inside your skin, your thoughts, your spiritual journey, your very personhood, and to shoulder the responsibilities you have to others. A boundary is not a wall, it is a fence, with a gate. The gate is to let the good in, yet keep the bad out. For someone who grew up in a home and culture where we weren't allowed to be ourselves, and weren't allowed to say "no". "No" is actually an incredibly important word! And even young children need to be given the freedom to use it. As in, if they don't feel comfortable with giving someone a hug, they need to have the freedom to say no and have the other person respect them enough to leave them alone. Obviously it takes much, much wisdom and discernment when raising children to know when it's ok to honor their no, and when we need to over ride it. ("No, I'm going to run into the street anyway." is not a proper use!) That concept was revolutionary to us, and has changed the way we raise our children. For the better. When I realized my responsibility was not to control them, but to guide consequences to help them gain good problem solving skills and independence, well, let's just say I still have gotten it all figured out yet! It's hard to change the mindset of YEARS of indoctrination.

I would say gaining the confidence to use "no" myself has been one of the biggest benefits of this book. Followed closely by learning to choose to pick up my responsibilities instead of trying to pass them off on someone else, or control someone else's decisions which is their responsibility. I naturally tend to be a controller, and I'm choosing to walk away from that and allow others the freedom to be themselves. God has created every one of us unique, and has us each on a unique and special journey. Controlling and manipulating others ruins the journey for them as well as for me. There is joy and so much freedom in letting go and allowing others to bear their own responsibilities, and only focusing on my own!

"Boundaries" has relevance to every relationship we have. Setting healthy boundaries in place is so necessary for strong relationships. There is just SO much good meat in this book, I'm having trouble condensing it into something small enough for a blog post! Beside the Bible, it's on the top of my "must-read" list. I'd encourage you to put it on yours, too!

(There are several other "Boundaries" "sequels" on marriage, raising kids, etc. Everything I've read has been very enlightening.)

It's a Zoo!

 Recently we made the time to go all the way to Milwaukee to the zoo! Since we had studied land animals for the last school year, we promised the kids a trip to the zoo. And my, did we ever enjoy it. Especially meeting up (and spending the night!) with some very special friends whom we hadn't seen for awhile.

Watching the monkeys is always a highlight.

Some weren't so sure about getting so up close and personal with the snakes! 

A couple of Ibex buck fighting. Quite entertaining.

By far the cutest little creature we saw!

The Cheetah stopped to take a good long look.

We had a very sweet weekend, complete with late nights, lots of talking, and fun activities. Even wading in Lake Michigan! (Well, it was supposed to be wading, but you know how that goes. "Don't go in over your knees." quickly ends up with kids soaked from head to toe, and blaming the waves. Thankfully we had a long walk back to the car for them to dry off!)

I was reminded again how important fellowship is. Deeply sharing our hearts, crying together, being honest when it hurt, accepting challenges, laughing together... all of these make up such an important part of a complete and healthy life.

I've admittedly lived through the other side of the coin as well. Feeling very, very alone. Not knowing who to trust. Wanting to walk away from all relationships altogether. Because people hurt. People let us down. People are too much work. Please, let me go live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, where I can go to town and check email when I feel like it... maybe never? Some days I still feel it!

But the truth of the matter is, we were created for relationship. We were created to need each other, to need that deep heart caring, loving, challenging, and uplifting. It's sometimes hard to find people safe enough to open up to, and we become cynical and jaded... but let me tell you, it's worth it. Worth trying one more time. With caution, with wisdom, with hope.

But, Feelings!

So many times I have been told, "You can't go by your feelings. You need to just do this anyway." Only to watch that person turn around and use that to force me to do what they didn't feel like doing themselves.

"Suck it up, Buttercup."

"Put your big girl panties on and just do it."

"Deal with it."

"You can't live by your feelings."

Feelings are so often dismissed as problematic, for anyone who isn't feeling them at that moment. Or, called out as sin. But feelings, in and of themselves, are not sin. And they tell us an important story of how we're really doing inside. God created us in His image. He acknowledges His feelings, and I believe He wants us to do same.

We can't dismiss our feelings and pretend they don't exist. If we do that, they bottle up inside of us and cause problems later, that may or may not be able to be traced back to these feelings. That doesn't mean we act on our feelings, either, but we should be aware of them. Being aware of how we feel without trying to stifle them can actually help not acting them out. If I feel like I'm becoming upset, instead of trying to pretend it's not there, I can trace it back to the source. Maybe, like this morning, Candi was sitting in my lap and constantly moving. She was pulling my hair pretending to fix it, stealing her brother's markers, insisting I tickle her, and pushing me over the edge to sensory overload as I was also dictating a spelling list to one child, helping another child figure out where on his blank map the Battle of Trafalgar happened, and giving oral math problems to the other. I started getting frustrated. Then I realized that I needed to nip this in the bud before I blew up at someone. In a matter of seconds I had sensed the reason, realized it was not anyone's fault so there was no need to get upset, and dealt with the sensory overload by implementing the boundary that Candi needed to sit still and be quiet if she wanted to remain on my lap. School went on without interruption, and soon I wasn't feeling upset anymore.

Don't deny your feelings. Don't hide from yourself, even if it isn't pretty. Bring it to light. Face it. If it's not a good feeling that will have good results from acting on it (and here, even anger is sometimes a good thing depending on the circumstances), then you need to dig deep to the bottom of why you're having that feeling, and deal with the root cause.

It's ok to feel. It's very important to acknowledge how you feel. So often we are silenced by judgement, either from within or from others. "Don't you know anger is a sin? If you're angry at that person, it's the same as murdering them, so you're basically a murderer by feeling this way!" Stuffing that anger, pretending it's not there, isn't really helping anyone. Honestly confronting the anger, and digging into why it's there, brings healing.

That doesn't give excuse to act, or not act, because of the way we feel. Feelings are very, very real. They should not drive us, neither should we ignore them.  As in the opening paragraph, what that person told me was right, but they refused to live by that themselves and created a lot of hurt and resentment. I have the power to create a place of healing by putting my feelings where they rightfully belong, acknowledged but not master, and allowing others to have their feelings too, without judgement. 

Baby No Longer

It was a little hard to wake up one day last week and realize my baby was a baby no longer, she was a big 3 year old! I've called her "Baby Girl" all of her life, until then. And in a way, she will always be our baby. Reality, however, led me to see that she is now past the baby stage and poised to enter girlhood--and I'd better grow up with her. We're now past potty training, and into the "I want to dress myself!" stage. She is definitely smart enough to be expected to understand, and follow, directions. No more excuses, little girlie!



What a charming, funny, full of life little person she is! She has such a big personality all the way around. 3, going on 13 I do declare. Jere's already talking about polishing up his shotgun! She's so sparkly and lives with such a total immersion in the moment that she's a pleasure to share the fun things in life with. Just... don't ask about the owies!

So, here are the highlights of the big farm girl birthday party, in pictures!!

First Day of School

It's the first day of school for the 2018-2019 school year!

Aren't my scholars adorable?!

This tyke, now a big 3 year old, is doing school officially for the first time this year. She is SO delighted to be included. AND so cute I might add!

And this beautiful girl is finishing up a bit of 1st grade, and doing a bunch of second grade since she's determined to be ahead of "schedule". Her favorite pastime this summer was reading books like the "Little House" books. I'm impressed!

This sweet boy is going into 3rd, and he's been begging to start since we finished in the spring! He loves to learn new things. Especially if it has anything to do with machines. Like his daddy, maybe?

 SIXTH GRADE. 

How can that be?! I mean, wasn't it yesterday we were digging out the kindergarten supplies? Somehow, he's growing up.

Time Out at the Lake

Last weekend we drove up to visit my sister Michele and her fiancé Aaron at their new property on a lake in Minnesota. What a fun time! They don't have a house built yet, so we essentially camped with them on a raw property. And we spent a LOT of time on and in the water! I think this quickly became a favorite summer vacation spot for us! Here are a few highlights in pictures.

Aaron's lovely mom brought some small fireworks, and the kids LOVED them!

Returning from a walk.

The view from the top of the bluff where the campers were parked and their house will be built, out towards the lake.

Out on the boat.

Tubing fun! He managed to stay on despite become airborne a time or two!

The two middles decided to try the tube together. One was utterly delighted and the other wasn't so much. Can you tell which is which?!

Then the one who enjoyed the tube went back out all by herself!

Jere tubed a bit, and then tried his hand at water skiing. He did an amazing job!

Playing in the water.

We were so blessed to spend this time together, and made lots of great memories. Shellie and Aaron, we'll be back!