But, Feelings!

So many times I have been told, "You can't go by your feelings. You need to just do this anyway." Only to watch that person turn around and use that to force me to do what they didn't feel like doing themselves.

"Suck it up, Buttercup."

"Put your big girl panties on and just do it."

"Deal with it."

"You can't live by your feelings."

Feelings are so often dismissed as problematic, for anyone who isn't feeling them at that moment. Or, called out as sin. But feelings, in and of themselves, are not sin. And they tell us an important story of how we're really doing inside. God created us in His image. He acknowledges His feelings, and I believe He wants us to do same.

We can't dismiss our feelings and pretend they don't exist. If we do that, they bottle up inside of us and cause problems later, that may or may not be able to be traced back to these feelings. That doesn't mean we act on our feelings, either, but we should be aware of them. Being aware of how we feel without trying to stifle them can actually help not acting them out. If I feel like I'm becoming upset, instead of trying to pretend it's not there, I can trace it back to the source. Maybe, like this morning, Candi was sitting in my lap and constantly moving. She was pulling my hair pretending to fix it, stealing her brother's markers, insisting I tickle her, and pushing me over the edge to sensory overload as I was also dictating a spelling list to one child, helping another child figure out where on his blank map the Battle of Trafalgar happened, and giving oral math problems to the other. I started getting frustrated. Then I realized that I needed to nip this in the bud before I blew up at someone. In a matter of seconds I had sensed the reason, realized it was not anyone's fault so there was no need to get upset, and dealt with the sensory overload by implementing the boundary that Candi needed to sit still and be quiet if she wanted to remain on my lap. School went on without interruption, and soon I wasn't feeling upset anymore.

Don't deny your feelings. Don't hide from yourself, even if it isn't pretty. Bring it to light. Face it. If it's not a good feeling that will have good results from acting on it (and here, even anger is sometimes a good thing depending on the circumstances), then you need to dig deep to the bottom of why you're having that feeling, and deal with the root cause.

It's ok to feel. It's very important to acknowledge how you feel. So often we are silenced by judgement, either from within or from others. "Don't you know anger is a sin? If you're angry at that person, it's the same as murdering them, so you're basically a murderer by feeling this way!" Stuffing that anger, pretending it's not there, isn't really helping anyone. Honestly confronting the anger, and digging into why it's there, brings healing.

That doesn't give excuse to act, or not act, because of the way we feel. Feelings are very, very real. They should not drive us, neither should we ignore them.  As in the opening paragraph, what that person told me was right, but they refused to live by that themselves and created a lot of hurt and resentment. I have the power to create a place of healing by putting my feelings where they rightfully belong, acknowledged but not master, and allowing others to have their feelings too, without judgement. 

Baby No Longer

It was a little hard to wake up one day last week and realize my baby was a baby no longer, she was a big 3 year old! I've called her "Baby Girl" all of her life, until then. And in a way, she will always be our baby. Reality, however, led me to see that she is now past the baby stage and poised to enter girlhood--and I'd better grow up with her. We're now past potty training, and into the "I want to dress myself!" stage. She is definitely smart enough to be expected to understand, and follow, directions. No more excuses, little girlie!



What a charming, funny, full of life little person she is! She has such a big personality all the way around. 3, going on 13 I do declare. Jere's already talking about polishing up his shotgun! She's so sparkly and lives with such a total immersion in the moment that she's a pleasure to share the fun things in life with. Just... don't ask about the owies!

So, here are the highlights of the big farm girl birthday party, in pictures!!

First Day of School

It's the first day of school for the 2018-2019 school year!

Aren't my scholars adorable?!

This tyke, now a big 3 year old, is doing school officially for the first time this year. She is SO delighted to be included. AND so cute I might add!

And this beautiful girl is finishing up a bit of 1st grade, and doing a bunch of second grade since she's determined to be ahead of "schedule". Her favorite pastime this summer was reading books like the "Little House" books. I'm impressed!

This sweet boy is going into 3rd, and he's been begging to start since we finished in the spring! He loves to learn new things. Especially if it has anything to do with machines. Like his daddy, maybe?

 SIXTH GRADE. 

How can that be?! I mean, wasn't it yesterday we were digging out the kindergarten supplies? Somehow, he's growing up.

Time Out at the Lake

Last weekend we drove up to visit my sister Michele and her fiancé Aaron at their new property on a lake in Minnesota. What a fun time! They don't have a house built yet, so we essentially camped with them on a raw property. And we spent a LOT of time on and in the water! I think this quickly became a favorite summer vacation spot for us! Here are a few highlights in pictures.

Aaron's lovely mom brought some small fireworks, and the kids LOVED them!

Returning from a walk.

The view from the top of the bluff where the campers were parked and their house will be built, out towards the lake.

Out on the boat.

Tubing fun! He managed to stay on despite become airborne a time or two!

The two middles decided to try the tube together. One was utterly delighted and the other wasn't so much. Can you tell which is which?!

Then the one who enjoyed the tube went back out all by herself!

Jere tubed a bit, and then tried his hand at water skiing. He did an amazing job!

Playing in the water.

We were so blessed to spend this time together, and made lots of great memories. Shellie and Aaron, we'll be back!

Life in Grayscale

I've struggled with depression for years. To some, that may come as a surprise. To others, it's been quite obvious. It first came to my attention as anger--irrational and barely controlled rage that would rear its ugly head periodically. At first I was frustrated and confused. Where was this coming from? After all, good Christians with a real walk with God don't get depressed. If they are, they've failed. I'd failed enough in my life, I wasn't going to allow this to be added to the list.

But then I slowly realized even on good days the color had drained out of life. Everything seemed
bleak. I didn't enjoy things I used to love. It wasn't so much feeling down, the typically stereotypical signs of depression, it was just... grayness. Day after day after day. Mundane drudgery, even the "fun" stuff. I was SO tired. Tired of feeling tired. Eventually that accumulated until I felt like life was worthless. I was worthless. Heaven looked so attractive, and I got tired of burdening my family with my despair.

Yes, that meant what you think it means. I wished I were dead. And I thought about how it might happen. I'm not proud of those moments. When life felt like an unbearable burden and there was no way out. I was crying out for help, and no one heard. No one wanted to listen. I felt so alone. 

Then someone DID care enough to listen. Someone who was able to put an official name to the depression, and validated the label I had so feared. (And I am SO grateful to that precious, lovely woman!) I had clinical depression. And hope. Just the tiniest little glimmer. Depression can be fought. There are things to do, medications to take, to help my brain overcome these issues. I chose to try some other things outside of medication first, to see if that would help. So I ran. I took a few vitamins sporadically. But most of all, now that I had a label, certain people started to listen. And I could be honest. It was a hard road. I still had bad days. Life was still gray. But I could feel just a little bit better. I could see what I was doing was taking the edge off my issues, little by little. There was relief.

But I knew there was still something wrong, somewhere. Someone we sought for counsel told me that depression is a sign of unforgiveness, and that night I cried myself to sleep, again. I knew the dire warnings in the Bible about forgiving others so God would forgive us. I HAD forgiven people, as much as I knew how. I had said the words, had prayed the words, had tried as hard as I knew how to forgive as much as possible. Somehow I knew that he was right, but I didn't know what else to do. 

The Lord led us to a lovely couple about that time, and I immediately connected with the wife while we attended a conference they were speaking at. However, they lived a long ways away, and I didn't think we would be able to go see them for help. My wonderful husband said we were doing what it takes to find help. That we were in this together. So we went.

And I learned how to really forgive. I had said the words sincerely, trying to ignore the pain and hurt the offense had caused. I had forgiven and tried my best to forget. Now, I was guided to go back in time and release the pain simmering under the surface. Facing memories I had hoped to forget altogether. Reliving them. Allowing the pain to twist and turn. Letting the tears and the anger alike flow. To grapple with the depravity in my heart, and the depravity in other hearts that had deeply affected my life. And then, facing the anguish, to choose release. Just when I thought there was no way I could ever make it through the mire, the festering volcano of pain, to the path of forgiveness, Jesus stepped in. He wrapped me in His arms and took care of the price. I signed the check of forgiveness, so to speak, but it came from His account. 

And I was set free. HE set me free. I could see color again. And He danced over me with joy and delight, rejoicing in the woman HE created me to be. And how that woman is coming to be, is a story for another day. 

Homeschool Organization--Papers, papers, everywhere!

Post #3 on homeschooling... again, if you don't homeschool, you can just skip this one!

One of the biggest, best things I've ever done is find a system for organizing all our papers and worksheets. I love workbooks, and my kids learn well that way... but it means a lot of papers everywhere. An area I tend to lack in is checking up on my kids' completed work, making sure they're learning what I'm teaching, and this system takes care of that too.

Our first day of school last summer, in our freshly painted brand new school room. The white board has since retired as I started using a small one that fits better in our space. Yes, it's in need of more finishing touches, still, but I love how bright and cheerful and happy it is.

The backbone of my system is two simple little organizers. The first is this hanging file box, just the right size to store the kids' books on top of organizing their work for the week. It comes with 5 hanging files, and I label them Monday-Friday. Every Friday I put the pages into those files the child needs to do on their respective days, to prepare for the next week. If we have to run somewhere, they can grab their pages, attach them to a clipboard, and school is ready to go. They can get up early and work on their school, because they know exactly what to do. (I have one amazing child who actually does this!) Once their papers are completed, they're done for the day. I can customize for our schedule week to week. It's pretty sweet.

The other organizer is this letter/paper organizer. I buy one set for each child. One tray per child is on my desk, and the other two are on a high shelf. Once the child finishes a page, they put it in their tray on my desk. At the end of the day, I go through their papers and check them. Anything that still needs work goes back into their folder for the next day. Anything they are done with goes into the organizer on the shelf, one for tests, special projects, and art work, one for regular pages.

The stacking organizer on my desk for completed work that I need to check.

Where I put the completed pages, one tray for regular pages and the one beneath for tests and other special things.

It seems like a pretty simple system, but it's working amazingly for us. I have an easy way to make sure I'm checking all their work, and the papers always have a place to go. It takes me about 5 minutes per child to get their work ready for the next week, and then I don't have to fuss about anything again and I'm always prepared. No moments of panic when we're all together for class and I suddenly realize I forgot to copy the history page!

And since we're here, I might as well mention that I have a closet of shelves where extra books, paper, and art supplies are stored. The kids each have a pencil box where they keep their very own tools such as colored pencils, crayons, scissors, etc. I have a couple small trays where I keep things handy like extra lead, glue sticks, the timer, and stickers. Under my section of desk are shelves where I keep teacher's manuals, answer keys, and the textbooks for our shared subjects. I also keep an adult coloring book and my bag with my cross stitching project inside under there for any quiet moments. I simply love our school room, and the way we have it set up... for now, anyway! Once Jaron starts higher level classes and isn't quite so involved in our group classes we'll be needing to figure out another system. But that's another year or two away yet, so we'll be happy with what we have for now.

Homeschool post #1: http://lifeonhegehill.blogspot.com/2018/07/homeschool-organization-planner.html
Homeschool post #2: http://lifeonhegehill.blogspot.com/2018/08/homeschool-organization-big-dreams.html

Homeschool Organization--Big Dreams, Little Steps

Homeschooling post #2:

One of the most important parts of our homeschool journey is the vision we have for it. WHY am I doing this? What am I hoping to accomplish? Homeschooling isn't for the faint of heart. It is struggle and pain and, well, it's expensive. How many times I long to be able to be "just" mom and not have to fill the role of teacher too! For me, the why is to give my kids a great education. An education they can use to thrive in their chosen career. Whether they choose to be a doctor or a self-employed carpenter, they need strong skills, tailored to their dreams. As a small aside, we are expecting as much from our girls as our boys. Even if they choose to be "nothing but a mother" (one of the most demanding jobs on the planet!), they are entrusted with raising, and possibly teaching, the next generation. Of anyone, they are the ones who need a strong education! As a homeschool parent, I can pick and choose from among the best of teachers and curriculums and give my children individual attention to make sure they're grasping what they're being taught.

But that isn't the type of goal setting I am wanting to focus on this time. I'd like to talk about the baby steps, and the ridiculous amount of pressure we homeschool moms put on ourselves.

I know the dreams that happen around this time of the year. Starry eyed looking forward to the next year. The freshness of unsullied pages, the planner still clean and perfect looking. Surely, this year we found the best curriculum. Surely this year will be better! This year I AM going to make it a great year. I am going to make the time for each of my children. We're going to have fun. We're doing to do more crafts and more field trips. We're going to play in the leaves and build snowmen. I'm going to pay more attention to problem areas and make sure test scores stay up this year. And on and on... depending on your particular area of struggle.

Yeah right.

Oops, did I say that out loud? Year after weary year, within a week or two, or if you're lucky a month or two, those starry eyed dreams have fallen by the wayside one by one. Frantic, hectic, harried, you are just scraping by... again. The kids aren't enjoying the new curriculum the way you thought they would, so they're not having fun, and they're making sure to rub it in all the time. Guilt sets in. Snacks degenerate from freshly baked cookies or veggie sticks to a handful of Cheese-Its or a few gummy worms. Someone gets sick, and you get behind. The tot scribbles in that beautiful text book. You know the drill.

We are HUMAN, moms! We can only do so much. We can only change so much. And it's ok. We're growing and learning right along with our sweet, challenging little charges. You don't expect your first grader to go from simple addition to long division in one year. Neither should you put that on yourself.

One of my biggest struggles has been making sure to check my children's work in a timely manner. I let the days of uncorrected work add up, until it's a daunting pile... and also irrelevant as they, two weeks later, know a whole lot better something they struggled with and kept getting wrong, but I didn't know what it was since I wasn't checking up on them. What was the point anymore? So last summer as I prepared for the last school year, I decided to just make that one little thing better. There was oh so much I wanted to do differently, but I chose to focus on just that one thing. I set up a system to help myself succeed. And I determined that this one little bite sized chunk would be done. And I did it. Before I went to bed, the "finished work" folder was emptied, and the papers filed. The first thing we did the next morning was work through their problems. (Or, in the case of my 5th grader and math, Jere helped him after supper.) If for some reason I didn't get it done before bed, I did it before breakfast in the morning. The kids did so much better! We were able to work through their struggles in a timely fashion, and what a relief it was!

My goal for this year, is to stay off my phone and computer during "school hours". I tend to think I can just check on this important thing real quick... only to be sucked into a time consuming monster bunny trail and not notice when the kids need something. Sigh. They are worth more than that. I have an adult coloring book and a bag with my latest cross stitch project handy, both things that will help keep me from getting bored and yet leave my brain available to notice when someone needs me. This is going to be tougher than last year's goal, but it's just one step in the right direction. One do-able step.

Yes, I mentioned "school hours". They aren't public school hours, but they are something that has become a vital part of our school day. I've come to look at it this way: when we're doing school, it's my job. I need to be in the school room tending to business, just as if I were a teacher getting paid for this job. I don't do housework, outside of switching some laundry here and there. I don't cook. I don't clean. This year I won't be answering emails, messages, or phone calls. I'm teaching school, and that is vitally important. For my sanity's sake, we stick to our schedule as closely as possible, which means we don't skip school days unless there are pressing circumstances that can't be avoided, like sickness, or a funeral, or a doctor's appointment.

BUT when school hours are over, I'm done. If a child isn't done, they get to finish alone. They can come find me if they need help with something, and I'll help them as time allows. But that's the time I'm training horses, doing the housework, making supper, spend one on one time doing special projects with one of the kids, and working on my own writing and study projects. Most of the time the kids are done and off playing by then, and the one who doesn't tend to be done in that time can finish on his own without much help. It's part of my commitment to give each one the best education possible, and yet give myself guilt-free freedom to do what I want and need to do too.

So, what is your little step goal for this year?

Homeschool post #1: http://lifeonhegehill.blogspot.com/2018/07/homeschool-organization-planner.html
Homeschool post #3: http://lifeonhegehill.blogspot.com/2018/08/homeschool-organization-papers-papers.html