The Saga of a Pharisee

Continued from the Spiritual Abuse article.

My story began as a very small child. I'm not sure when my parents first attended Bill Gothard's seminar, but I don't remember it happening. I don't remember when the books published by his organization crept into our home, or when the concepts began to affect everyday life, but it was there since before I could remember. 

It was subtle.

It was so easy to believe. 

If you just do ____ right, God will reward you. If you raise your children just right according to this formula, you will have bright eyed, obedient, and delightful children. If you memorize enough Scripture, you won't struggle with sin. God needs you to be a good witness for Him at all times. The teachings crept like cancer through our minds and hearts, and this is only touching a few parts of it! 

Among the worst of all, was the quiet and ever present underlying assumption: we have a corner on God others don't. We understand the Bible better than those who don't follow the formulas in utter, unquestioning obedience. There was a constant quest to know more of what was right. The Bible was touted as having all the answers for modern life if you just looked hard enough. We had to continually strive to become more and more holy, and more pleasing to God, in order to be successful.

This journey to more holiness led us deeper, and we began to follow other teachers who for the most part preached similar works-oriented gospel, harping on obedience and pleasing God. We girls started wearing only long dresses or skirts, in an attempt to be "modest" and keep men from lusting after us. Slowly we were hidden away, cut off from people who weren't good enough to associate with us. Oh, it was never said quite that way of course. Just, this or that family was being a bad influence, or were being too permissive with their children, or disagreed theologically somehow. But somehow, we knew we were better than them. We were doing everything right. We were the ones leaving everything behind in order to follow God.

Our lives were motivated by fear, and pride. Fear that if we didn't do everything right, we would fail and not make it to heaven after all. And a subtle, quiet pride that we were on the "in" with pleasing God while others hadn't yet achieved our enlightened state.

If you take a good look at the gospels, you often get a glimpse of a group of people who were the leaders of the Jewish religious life. They spent hours studying the Scriptures. They made sure they were doing everything right, according to the strictest interpretation possible. They knew exactly what God wanted, they were the chosen people, and they had the law and the prophets to back them up. 

Yet they missed God in the flesh, come down to earth. They missed Him so completely that they insisted He be killed. And it's no wonder. He had nothing nice to say to them, or about them. He called them blind, and they were blinded by their strict adherence to their doctrinal interpretation of the law and the prophets. While completely missing the real God in the middle of it all. 

For too many years, I walked the road of the Pharisee as well. I was sure I was doing the best I could to make God happy, to obey Him, and to be a good witness. I tried doing all the right things, in the best way, including killing my natural talents and desires, to please my authorities like god surely said I must. All the time oblivious to the fact that the God I loved had been placed in a neat, tidy little box of explainable divinity, when in reality He is so far beyond our comprehension that there hasn't been a box big enough yet to contain... or explain... Him. 

I was spiritually abused, my teachers and leaders showing me a picture of who they wished God would be, and inhibiting my deepest longings to know the vast, unexplainable Eternal One. I was a spiritual abuser, expecting others to conform to my ideas of what Christianity should look like and act like, with judgement and without much real love. I live with the consequences

every day. Never feeling like I can quite measure up. Always feeling like a failure, a less-than, inadequate, unaccepted. 

While all the time, I am a beloved daughter of the King. He delights in who He created me to be. His holiness is my holiness. I am covered by the blood, accepted, perfect. I have found forgiveness, and a joy that my own efforts to make myself joyful never quite managed. It's beautiful. 

And I am free.

Spiritual Abuse--An Overview

Maybe you've seen me mention spiritual abuse a couple of times lately on this blog, and are wondering what in the world I'm talking about. In today's world, we're free to talk about physical abuse, and we all understand it's wrong. Or, at least I hope we do. Sexual abuse is a hot topic. But spiritual abuse... we reel at that idea. How does one take something spiritual, and thus generally accepted as good, and add abuse to it? Don't those two words represent opposing ideology?

They should. They really should. Far too often, though, they become melded into a devastating whole.

Some people will jump on this bandwagon as victims and ride it for all it's worth. Some people will refuse to acknowledge that they may be victims... or abusers... or both. A few will carefully scrutinize this concept, accept their situation, and seek healing and hope. For there is healing and hope in honesty and facing up to reality instead of hiding from it.

So, what is spiritual abuse?

Maybe we should ask, what is abuse?

The dictionary defines abuse a couple of different ways: 1. to use something to bad effect or for a bad purpose; 2. to treat a person or an animal with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly; and 3. speaking in an insulting and offensive way to or about someone.

I see spiritual abuse checking off all those definitions. But it's subtle, elusive, and smothered in Bible verses handpicked for the occasion. Spiritual abuse encompasses so much it's hard to pin down a definition to a reasonable sentence. To attempt the impossible though, it's basically coming between someone and God, and using God to control another person's life. It uses someone's desire to please God or fear of Him to squelch the person He created them to be. It can be very cruel, and occasionally violent, especially to the helpless, and when it is so, it is usually regular and repeated. And it causes many people to speak insultingly of and to others.

Before you walk away and say you don't know what I'm talking about, you or your fellow church members would never do such a thing, stop a little longer.

Do you see the people in your church/fellowship/community as better, healthier, happier, and having more of God's revelation of His word than the church down the street, or someone you might randomly meet somewhere? Do you feel you stick to His Word in obedience when most others on the "outside" don't? Do you feel you have it all together, and mostly figured out what a good Christian life consists of? Then, maybe you could stop to consider whether you are walking the walk of the Pharisees or the publican.

...to be continued, in the Saga of a Pharisee.

Book Review: Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

I've decided to start doing a book review here and there, for anyone interested in picking up some new reading material. I've been reading a LOT of great books lately, some of which have been life changing for me. I may also choose at some point in the future to review some books which I've found damaging, we'll see. 

"Boundaries" is a book I've read a couple of times now. We have it on Audible. And I frequently recommend it on some of the FaceBook groups I'm a part of. I'm actually coordinating a book study on FaceBook right now of this book. (If you're on FaceBook and want to be included, please let me know!)

In the interest of brevity, I'm going to quote from the dust jacket of the book:
"Christians often focus so much on being loving and giving that they forget their own limits and limitation. Have you ever found yourself wondering: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries? In this … book, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give you biblically based answers to theses and other tough questions, and show you how to set healthy boundaries with your parents, spouses, children, friends, coworkers, and even yourself. Boundaries are personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life."

Read that last sentence again. Boundaries are what define you as you, and not someone else. The most basic boundary is your skin. BUT that is not the only one. You have a responsibility to maintain what is "you"--what is inside your skin, your thoughts, your spiritual journey, your very personhood, and to shoulder the responsibilities you have to others. A boundary is not a wall, it is a fence, with a gate. The gate is to let the good in, yet keep the bad out. For someone who grew up in a home and culture where we weren't allowed to be ourselves, and weren't allowed to say "no". "No" is actually an incredibly important word! And even young children need to be given the freedom to use it. As in, if they don't feel comfortable with giving someone a hug, they need to have the freedom to say no and have the other person respect them enough to leave them alone. Obviously it takes much, much wisdom and discernment when raising children to know when it's ok to honor their no, and when we need to over ride it. ("No, I'm going to run into the street anyway." is not a proper use!) That concept was revolutionary to us, and has changed the way we raise our children. For the better. When I realized my responsibility was not to control them, but to guide consequences to help them gain good problem solving skills and independence, well, let's just say I still have gotten it all figured out yet! It's hard to change the mindset of YEARS of indoctrination.

I would say gaining the confidence to use "no" myself has been one of the biggest benefits of this book. Followed closely by learning to choose to pick up my responsibilities instead of trying to pass them off on someone else, or control someone else's decisions which is their responsibility. I naturally tend to be a controller, and I'm choosing to walk away from that and allow others the freedom to be themselves. God has created every one of us unique, and has us each on a unique and special journey. Controlling and manipulating others ruins the journey for them as well as for me. There is joy and so much freedom in letting go and allowing others to bear their own responsibilities, and only focusing on my own!

"Boundaries" has relevance to every relationship we have. Setting healthy boundaries in place is so necessary for strong relationships. There is just SO much good meat in this book, I'm having trouble condensing it into something small enough for a blog post! Beside the Bible, it's on the top of my "must-read" list. I'd encourage you to put it on yours, too!

(There are several other "Boundaries" "sequels" on marriage, raising kids, etc. Everything I've read has been very enlightening.)

It's a Zoo!

 Recently we made the time to go all the way to Milwaukee to the zoo! Since we had studied land animals for the last school year, we promised the kids a trip to the zoo. And my, did we ever enjoy it. Especially meeting up (and spending the night!) with some very special friends whom we hadn't seen for awhile.

Watching the monkeys is always a highlight.

Some weren't so sure about getting so up close and personal with the snakes! 

A couple of Ibex buck fighting. Quite entertaining.

By far the cutest little creature we saw!

The Cheetah stopped to take a good long look.

We had a very sweet weekend, complete with late nights, lots of talking, and fun activities. Even wading in Lake Michigan! (Well, it was supposed to be wading, but you know how that goes. "Don't go in over your knees." quickly ends up with kids soaked from head to toe, and blaming the waves. Thankfully we had a long walk back to the car for them to dry off!)

I was reminded again how important fellowship is. Deeply sharing our hearts, crying together, being honest when it hurt, accepting challenges, laughing together... all of these make up such an important part of a complete and healthy life.

I've admittedly lived through the other side of the coin as well. Feeling very, very alone. Not knowing who to trust. Wanting to walk away from all relationships altogether. Because people hurt. People let us down. People are too much work. Please, let me go live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, where I can go to town and check email when I feel like it... maybe never? Some days I still feel it!

But the truth of the matter is, we were created for relationship. We were created to need each other, to need that deep heart caring, loving, challenging, and uplifting. It's sometimes hard to find people safe enough to open up to, and we become cynical and jaded... but let me tell you, it's worth it. Worth trying one more time. With caution, with wisdom, with hope.