"Boundaries" is a book I've read a couple of times now. We have it on Audible. And I frequently recommend it on some of the FaceBook groups I'm a part of. I'm actually coordinating a book study on FaceBook right now of this book. (If you're on FaceBook and want to be included, please let me know!)
In the interest of brevity, I'm going to quote from the dust jacket of the book:
"Christians often focus so much on being loving and giving that they forget their own limits and limitation. Have you ever found yourself wondering: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries? In this … book, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give you biblically based answers to theses and other tough questions, and show you how to set healthy boundaries with your parents, spouses, children, friends, coworkers, and even yourself. Boundaries are personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life."
Read that last sentence again. Boundaries are what define you as you, and not someone else. The most basic boundary is your skin. BUT that is not the only one. You have a responsibility to maintain what is "you"--what is inside your skin, your thoughts, your spiritual journey, your very personhood, and to shoulder the responsibilities you have to others. A boundary is not a wall, it is a fence, with a gate. The gate is to let the good in, yet keep the bad out. For someone who grew up in a home and culture where we weren't allowed to be ourselves, and weren't allowed to say "no". "No" is actually an incredibly important word! And even young children need to be given the freedom to use it. As in, if they don't feel comfortable with giving someone a hug, they need to have the freedom to say no and have the other person respect them enough to leave them alone. Obviously it takes much, much wisdom and discernment when raising children to know when it's ok to honor their no, and when we need to over ride it. ("No, I'm going to run into the street anyway." is not a proper use!) That concept was revolutionary to us, and has changed the way we raise our children. For the better. When I realized my responsibility was not to control them, but to guide consequences to help them gain good problem solving skills and independence, well, let's just say I still have gotten it all figured out yet! It's hard to change the mindset of YEARS of indoctrination.
I would say gaining the confidence to use "no" myself has been one of the biggest benefits of this book. Followed closely by learning to choose to pick up my responsibilities instead of trying to pass them off on someone else, or control someone else's decisions which is their responsibility. I naturally tend to be a controller, and I'm choosing to walk away from that and allow others the freedom to be themselves. God has created every one of us unique, and has us each on a unique and special journey. Controlling and manipulating others ruins the journey for them as well as for me. There is joy and so much freedom in letting go and allowing others to bear their own responsibilities, and only focusing on my own!
"Boundaries" has relevance to every relationship we have. Setting healthy boundaries in place is so necessary for strong relationships. There is just SO much good meat in this book, I'm having trouble condensing it into something small enough for a blog post! Beside the Bible, it's on the top of my "must-read" list. I'd encourage you to put it on yours, too!
(There are several other "Boundaries" "sequels" on marriage, raising kids, etc. Everything I've read has been very enlightening.)
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