Been a few years....

 It's been a few years since I last posted. And since I no longer have my paid blog site, it's back to the free. Hopefully someone still follows, but whatever the case it's time for me to speak up. 

All those carefully curated posts previously on this blog? Lies, showing a happy, godly family with all the answers and a whole ocean's worth of arrogance and pride. 

In reality? It was a life full of darkness and despair, clawing at what I thought was righteousness and love and good. Never meeting those high standards. Never measuring up. Never good enough. 

And yet, still too much. Too many questions. Too much compassion. Too much refusing to be happy with blind acceptance of whatever was taught from the pulpit. 

I hungered for truth. I didn't find it there.

The first crack in the wall of brainwashing came when Pastor Darwin and his wife Eunice came to ostensibly bring comfort after I had suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, and nearly lost my life in the process. Full of wonder, I shared with them that I was being wheeled to surgery (to have an abortion, no less) I felt no fear. Knowing I'd lost enough blood that I didn't have a readable blood pressure, and that meant I wasn't far from death's door. Knowing I might not be wheeled back alive. I had only the song running through my head "Face to face oh blissful moment! Face to face, to see and know. Face to face with my Redeemer." I found no fear, only a strong, steady comfort. 

Eunice interupted, not even allowing me to finish sharing that moment. I don't recall the exact words anymore, but in my heart it felt like a hammer blow. How dare I be ok with dying! I had a husband and children to take care of. How dare I consider leaving them! She flounced up from her seat, and they soon left. 

As I stared out into the stars that night, tears rolling down my cheeks, I considered. The Bible made it abundantly clear that to be with Christ was gain. It was not something to feared, nor sought out, but held gently, with peace and strength, for the right time. I hadn't been asking to die, or even wanting it in that moment. I'd been content to allow whatever was ordained for me to come to pass. The peace shocked me, and I wanted to share the moment of feeling, for once, I was where I was supposed to be. 

If the leading couple of the church couldn't get something as obvious as the peaceful, even joyous, view of finally resting in the arms of Jesus correct, what else might they be misinterpreting? I began to question. To dig. To face up to the things I had never allowed myself to question in my quest for belonging and love. But truth meant more to me than being accepted. And that started a lengthy, rocky journey that is still in progress today. 

That journey meant facing up to abuse rampant in religion. The way religion was used to control and coerce and harm the helpless, when power meant more to those in control than following their own scripture. It meant facing up to the glaring inconsistencies in the Bible. 

And for me, personally? It meant divorcing my abuser. It meant leaving the church in order to be free to do as religion had taught me so well but failed to live up to... to be kind and compassionate and loving, to care for the weak and helpless and lift them up. In the coming days I will tell parts of my story. I will be naming names. I will be telling truths and asking questions that are uncomfortable. I ask you to sit with them. Take a deep breath. And see if there is any nugget of truth that speaks to your heart. I never ask to be taken at face value. Seek truth. Ask questions. But accept that my story is my own, and while I may have taken a different path it is the right one for me.

Out with the Old, In with the New

I've been working at getting my new blog up and running! It's nearly ready, and I'm SO excited!

If you are on FaceBook, I would really appreciate if you would pop over to my blogging page and "Like" it. I'm hoping and praying to bring you encouragement and blessing through both that page and the blog. I'd really appreciate if you shared it with your friends as well!

Also, my new blog is there, just don't quite have all the tweaking finished yet. You're welcome to pop on in and let me know what you think! Also, there's a place for you to put your email address to get each blog post emailed directly to you. I will NOT send you anything else, and you'll be sure not to miss anything! (I may eventually do a newsletter, but you'll have to opt in for that separately... we'll see if I can find the energy to do something like that!)

C'mon over and meet me there! Not much there yet, but soon it will be a bit more lively!

And, sadly, this is likely to be the last post for this blog. It's rather bittersweet to say goodbye... but sometimes old things must be set aside for the better things.

Writer's Conference!

A week ago tonight I was in the vehicle heading home from beautiful Michigan, and an amazing writer's conference. I had a wonderful time there, meeting friends in real life for the first time who have meant a lot to me over the years in their own different ways. There wasn't nearly enough time to squeeze in all the visiting I wanted to do!

I learned a lot about the different available avenues of getting written work out there to be read, including the publishing process and social media. I learned some of the mechanics of writing and editing. I heard a LOT of inspiring speakers, reminding us that our measure of success is being obedient to God's voice, not in the number of books with our name on the front cover, or how many hits a blog post gets. We are writing for His glory.

I traveled with a dear, dear friend, and our time together was gloriously sweet and refreshing... what both of us needed, I believe! I was so encouraged and blessed spending time with this woman who has such a passionate heart for God, and for God's daughters. (If you need contact info for a motivational speaker, let me know!)

What does the aftermath of this conference mean for me? It means a lot of soul searching, facing up to a schedule overload, and the movement to a bigger and better (hopefully!) blog platform. It might be quiet around here for awhile until I can get some things organized and set up, as I only have so much time in my day and the kids get most of it. So, keep on the lookout for further updates and the announcement of the new blog, coming soon!

The Saga of a Pharisee

Continued from the Spiritual Abuse article.

My story began as a very small child. I'm not sure when my parents first attended Bill Gothard's seminar, but I don't remember it happening. I don't remember when the books published by his organization crept into our home, or when the concepts began to affect everyday life, but it was there since before I could remember. 

It was subtle.

It was so easy to believe. 

If you just do ____ right, God will reward you. If you raise your children just right according to this formula, you will have bright eyed, obedient, and delightful children. If you memorize enough Scripture, you won't struggle with sin. God needs you to be a good witness for Him at all times. The teachings crept like cancer through our minds and hearts, and this is only touching a few parts of it! 

Among the worst of all, was the quiet and ever present underlying assumption: we have a corner on God others don't. We understand the Bible better than those who don't follow the formulas in utter, unquestioning obedience. There was a constant quest to know more of what was right. The Bible was touted as having all the answers for modern life if you just looked hard enough. We had to continually strive to become more and more holy, and more pleasing to God, in order to be successful.

This journey to more holiness led us deeper, and we began to follow other teachers who for the most part preached similar works-oriented gospel, harping on obedience and pleasing God. We girls started wearing only long dresses or skirts, in an attempt to be "modest" and keep men from lusting after us. Slowly we were hidden away, cut off from people who weren't good enough to associate with us. Oh, it was never said quite that way of course. Just, this or that family was being a bad influence, or were being too permissive with their children, or disagreed theologically somehow. But somehow, we knew we were better than them. We were doing everything right. We were the ones leaving everything behind in order to follow God.

Our lives were motivated by fear, and pride. Fear that if we didn't do everything right, we would fail and not make it to heaven after all. And a subtle, quiet pride that we were on the "in" with pleasing God while others hadn't yet achieved our enlightened state.

If you take a good look at the gospels, you often get a glimpse of a group of people who were the leaders of the Jewish religious life. They spent hours studying the Scriptures. They made sure they were doing everything right, according to the strictest interpretation possible. They knew exactly what God wanted, they were the chosen people, and they had the law and the prophets to back them up. 

Yet they missed God in the flesh, come down to earth. They missed Him so completely that they insisted He be killed. And it's no wonder. He had nothing nice to say to them, or about them. He called them blind, and they were blinded by their strict adherence to their doctrinal interpretation of the law and the prophets. While completely missing the real God in the middle of it all. 

For too many years, I walked the road of the Pharisee as well. I was sure I was doing the best I could to make God happy, to obey Him, and to be a good witness. I tried doing all the right things, in the best way, including killing my natural talents and desires, to please my authorities like god surely said I must. All the time oblivious to the fact that the God I loved had been placed in a neat, tidy little box of explainable divinity, when in reality He is so far beyond our comprehension that there hasn't been a box big enough yet to contain... or explain... Him. 

I was spiritually abused, my teachers and leaders showing me a picture of who they wished God would be, and inhibiting my deepest longings to know the vast, unexplainable Eternal One. I was a spiritual abuser, expecting others to conform to my ideas of what Christianity should look like and act like, with judgement and without much real love. I live with the consequences

every day. Never feeling like I can quite measure up. Always feeling like a failure, a less-than, inadequate, unaccepted. 

While all the time, I am a beloved daughter of the King. He delights in who He created me to be. His holiness is my holiness. I am covered by the blood, accepted, perfect. I have found forgiveness, and a joy that my own efforts to make myself joyful never quite managed. It's beautiful. 

And I am free.

Spiritual Abuse--An Overview

Maybe you've seen me mention spiritual abuse a couple of times lately on this blog, and are wondering what in the world I'm talking about. In today's world, we're free to talk about physical abuse, and we all understand it's wrong. Or, at least I hope we do. Sexual abuse is a hot topic. But spiritual abuse... we reel at that idea. How does one take something spiritual, and thus generally accepted as good, and add abuse to it? Don't those two words represent opposing ideology?

They should. They really should. Far too often, though, they become melded into a devastating whole.

Some people will jump on this bandwagon as victims and ride it for all it's worth. Some people will refuse to acknowledge that they may be victims... or abusers... or both. A few will carefully scrutinize this concept, accept their situation, and seek healing and hope. For there is healing and hope in honesty and facing up to reality instead of hiding from it.

So, what is spiritual abuse?

Maybe we should ask, what is abuse?

The dictionary defines abuse a couple of different ways: 1. to use something to bad effect or for a bad purpose; 2. to treat a person or an animal with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly; and 3. speaking in an insulting and offensive way to or about someone.

I see spiritual abuse checking off all those definitions. But it's subtle, elusive, and smothered in Bible verses handpicked for the occasion. Spiritual abuse encompasses so much it's hard to pin down a definition to a reasonable sentence. To attempt the impossible though, it's basically coming between someone and God, and using God to control another person's life. It uses someone's desire to please God or fear of Him to squelch the person He created them to be. It can be very cruel, and occasionally violent, especially to the helpless, and when it is so, it is usually regular and repeated. And it causes many people to speak insultingly of and to others.

Before you walk away and say you don't know what I'm talking about, you or your fellow church members would never do such a thing, stop a little longer.

Do you see the people in your church/fellowship/community as better, healthier, happier, and having more of God's revelation of His word than the church down the street, or someone you might randomly meet somewhere? Do you feel you stick to His Word in obedience when most others on the "outside" don't? Do you feel you have it all together, and mostly figured out what a good Christian life consists of? Then, maybe you could stop to consider whether you are walking the walk of the Pharisees or the publican.

...to be continued, in the Saga of a Pharisee.

Book Review: Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

I've decided to start doing a book review here and there, for anyone interested in picking up some new reading material. I've been reading a LOT of great books lately, some of which have been life changing for me. I may also choose at some point in the future to review some books which I've found damaging, we'll see. 

"Boundaries" is a book I've read a couple of times now. We have it on Audible. And I frequently recommend it on some of the FaceBook groups I'm a part of. I'm actually coordinating a book study on FaceBook right now of this book. (If you're on FaceBook and want to be included, please let me know!)

In the interest of brevity, I'm going to quote from the dust jacket of the book:
"Christians often focus so much on being loving and giving that they forget their own limits and limitation. Have you ever found yourself wondering: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money? Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries? In this … book, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend give you biblically based answers to theses and other tough questions, and show you how to set healthy boundaries with your parents, spouses, children, friends, coworkers, and even yourself. Boundaries are personal property lines that define who you are and who you are not, and influence all areas of your life."

Read that last sentence again. Boundaries are what define you as you, and not someone else. The most basic boundary is your skin. BUT that is not the only one. You have a responsibility to maintain what is "you"--what is inside your skin, your thoughts, your spiritual journey, your very personhood, and to shoulder the responsibilities you have to others. A boundary is not a wall, it is a fence, with a gate. The gate is to let the good in, yet keep the bad out. For someone who grew up in a home and culture where we weren't allowed to be ourselves, and weren't allowed to say "no". "No" is actually an incredibly important word! And even young children need to be given the freedom to use it. As in, if they don't feel comfortable with giving someone a hug, they need to have the freedom to say no and have the other person respect them enough to leave them alone. Obviously it takes much, much wisdom and discernment when raising children to know when it's ok to honor their no, and when we need to over ride it. ("No, I'm going to run into the street anyway." is not a proper use!) That concept was revolutionary to us, and has changed the way we raise our children. For the better. When I realized my responsibility was not to control them, but to guide consequences to help them gain good problem solving skills and independence, well, let's just say I still have gotten it all figured out yet! It's hard to change the mindset of YEARS of indoctrination.

I would say gaining the confidence to use "no" myself has been one of the biggest benefits of this book. Followed closely by learning to choose to pick up my responsibilities instead of trying to pass them off on someone else, or control someone else's decisions which is their responsibility. I naturally tend to be a controller, and I'm choosing to walk away from that and allow others the freedom to be themselves. God has created every one of us unique, and has us each on a unique and special journey. Controlling and manipulating others ruins the journey for them as well as for me. There is joy and so much freedom in letting go and allowing others to bear their own responsibilities, and only focusing on my own!

"Boundaries" has relevance to every relationship we have. Setting healthy boundaries in place is so necessary for strong relationships. There is just SO much good meat in this book, I'm having trouble condensing it into something small enough for a blog post! Beside the Bible, it's on the top of my "must-read" list. I'd encourage you to put it on yours, too!

(There are several other "Boundaries" "sequels" on marriage, raising kids, etc. Everything I've read has been very enlightening.)

It's a Zoo!

 Recently we made the time to go all the way to Milwaukee to the zoo! Since we had studied land animals for the last school year, we promised the kids a trip to the zoo. And my, did we ever enjoy it. Especially meeting up (and spending the night!) with some very special friends whom we hadn't seen for awhile.

Watching the monkeys is always a highlight.

Some weren't so sure about getting so up close and personal with the snakes! 

A couple of Ibex buck fighting. Quite entertaining.

By far the cutest little creature we saw!

The Cheetah stopped to take a good long look.

We had a very sweet weekend, complete with late nights, lots of talking, and fun activities. Even wading in Lake Michigan! (Well, it was supposed to be wading, but you know how that goes. "Don't go in over your knees." quickly ends up with kids soaked from head to toe, and blaming the waves. Thankfully we had a long walk back to the car for them to dry off!)

I was reminded again how important fellowship is. Deeply sharing our hearts, crying together, being honest when it hurt, accepting challenges, laughing together... all of these make up such an important part of a complete and healthy life.

I've admittedly lived through the other side of the coin as well. Feeling very, very alone. Not knowing who to trust. Wanting to walk away from all relationships altogether. Because people hurt. People let us down. People are too much work. Please, let me go live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, where I can go to town and check email when I feel like it... maybe never? Some days I still feel it!

But the truth of the matter is, we were created for relationship. We were created to need each other, to need that deep heart caring, loving, challenging, and uplifting. It's sometimes hard to find people safe enough to open up to, and we become cynical and jaded... but let me tell you, it's worth it. Worth trying one more time. With caution, with wisdom, with hope.

But, Feelings!

So many times I have been told, "You can't go by your feelings. You need to just do this anyway." Only to watch that person turn around and use that to force me to do what they didn't feel like doing themselves.

"Suck it up, Buttercup."

"Put your big girl panties on and just do it."

"Deal with it."

"You can't live by your feelings."

Feelings are so often dismissed as problematic, for anyone who isn't feeling them at that moment. Or, called out as sin. But feelings, in and of themselves, are not sin. And they tell us an important story of how we're really doing inside. God created us in His image. He acknowledges His feelings, and I believe He wants us to do same.

We can't dismiss our feelings and pretend they don't exist. If we do that, they bottle up inside of us and cause problems later, that may or may not be able to be traced back to these feelings. That doesn't mean we act on our feelings, either, but we should be aware of them. Being aware of how we feel without trying to stifle them can actually help not acting them out. If I feel like I'm becoming upset, instead of trying to pretend it's not there, I can trace it back to the source. Maybe, like this morning, Candi was sitting in my lap and constantly moving. She was pulling my hair pretending to fix it, stealing her brother's markers, insisting I tickle her, and pushing me over the edge to sensory overload as I was also dictating a spelling list to one child, helping another child figure out where on his blank map the Battle of Trafalgar happened, and giving oral math problems to the other. I started getting frustrated. Then I realized that I needed to nip this in the bud before I blew up at someone. In a matter of seconds I had sensed the reason, realized it was not anyone's fault so there was no need to get upset, and dealt with the sensory overload by implementing the boundary that Candi needed to sit still and be quiet if she wanted to remain on my lap. School went on without interruption, and soon I wasn't feeling upset anymore.

Don't deny your feelings. Don't hide from yourself, even if it isn't pretty. Bring it to light. Face it. If it's not a good feeling that will have good results from acting on it (and here, even anger is sometimes a good thing depending on the circumstances), then you need to dig deep to the bottom of why you're having that feeling, and deal with the root cause.

It's ok to feel. It's very important to acknowledge how you feel. So often we are silenced by judgement, either from within or from others. "Don't you know anger is a sin? If you're angry at that person, it's the same as murdering them, so you're basically a murderer by feeling this way!" Stuffing that anger, pretending it's not there, isn't really helping anyone. Honestly confronting the anger, and digging into why it's there, brings healing.

That doesn't give excuse to act, or not act, because of the way we feel. Feelings are very, very real. They should not drive us, neither should we ignore them.  As in the opening paragraph, what that person told me was right, but they refused to live by that themselves and created a lot of hurt and resentment. I have the power to create a place of healing by putting my feelings where they rightfully belong, acknowledged but not master, and allowing others to have their feelings too, without judgement. 

Life in Grayscale

I've struggled with depression for years. To some, that may come as a surprise. To others, it's been quite obvious. It first came to my attention as anger--irrational and barely controlled rage that would rear its ugly head periodically. At first I was frustrated and confused. Where was this coming from? After all, good Christians with a real walk with God don't get depressed. If they are, they've failed. I'd failed enough in my life, I wasn't going to allow this to be added to the list.

But then I slowly realized even on good days the color had drained out of life. Everything seemed
bleak. I didn't enjoy things I used to love. It wasn't so much feeling down, the typically stereotypical signs of depression, it was just... grayness. Day after day after day. Mundane drudgery, even the "fun" stuff. I was SO tired. Tired of feeling tired. Eventually that accumulated until I felt like life was worthless. I was worthless. Heaven looked so attractive, and I got tired of burdening my family with my despair.

Yes, that meant what you think it means. I wished I were dead. And I thought about how it might happen. I'm not proud of those moments. When life felt like an unbearable burden and there was no way out. I was crying out for help, and no one heard. No one wanted to listen. I felt so alone. 

Then someone DID care enough to listen. Someone who was able to put an official name to the depression, and validated the label I had so feared. (And I am SO grateful to that precious, lovely woman!) I had clinical depression. And hope. Just the tiniest little glimmer. Depression can be fought. There are things to do, medications to take, to help my brain overcome these issues. I chose to try some other things outside of medication first, to see if that would help. So I ran. I took a few vitamins sporadically. But most of all, now that I had a label, certain people started to listen. And I could be honest. It was a hard road. I still had bad days. Life was still gray. But I could feel just a little bit better. I could see what I was doing was taking the edge off my issues, little by little. There was relief.

But I knew there was still something wrong, somewhere. Someone we sought for counsel told me that depression is a sign of unforgiveness, and that night I cried myself to sleep, again. I knew the dire warnings in the Bible about forgiving others so God would forgive us. I HAD forgiven people, as much as I knew how. I had said the words, had prayed the words, had tried as hard as I knew how to forgive as much as possible. Somehow I knew that he was right, but I didn't know what else to do. 

The Lord led us to a lovely couple about that time, and I immediately connected with the wife while we attended a conference they were speaking at. However, they lived a long ways away, and I didn't think we would be able to go see them for help. My wonderful husband said we were doing what it takes to find help. That we were in this together. So we went.

And I learned how to really forgive. I had said the words sincerely, trying to ignore the pain and hurt the offense had caused. I had forgiven and tried my best to forget. Now, I was guided to go back in time and release the pain simmering under the surface. Facing memories I had hoped to forget altogether. Reliving them. Allowing the pain to twist and turn. Letting the tears and the anger alike flow. To grapple with the depravity in my heart, and the depravity in other hearts that had deeply affected my life. And then, facing the anguish, to choose release. Just when I thought there was no way I could ever make it through the mire, the festering volcano of pain, to the path of forgiveness, Jesus stepped in. He wrapped me in His arms and took care of the price. I signed the check of forgiveness, so to speak, but it came from His account. 

And I was set free. HE set me free. I could see color again. And He danced over me with joy and delight, rejoicing in the woman HE created me to be. And how that woman is coming to be, is a story for another day. 

It's the country life!

As I was waiting for the water trough to fill for the horses this morning, I spent some time walking across the pasture and just looking all around. Most of my life I've spent dreaming of something better. More of this, less of that. But really, as I looked around, I don't think it gets better than this! Rich green grass, a bright blue sky with some fluffy white clouds for accents, a cool, refreshing breeze, warm but not hot... a hay field just over the fence, freshly cut and baled and safely stored away. Acres of fields and woods for the kids to play in. A huge, mostly level yard perfect for ball games and picnics. Relatively quiet country roads. Horses and cows contentedly munching the grass. Roosters crowing in the background. And glorious sunshine pouring in over it all.

And as I reflect, I feel tears starting to well. I'm so, so grateful. Last night, to be honest, I cried myself to sleep. I felt like such an incredible failure. The kids have done nothing but bicker and fight the last couple of days. The oldest has been resisting taking responsibility for himself. I've been doing a lot of cleaning, unpacking, decluttering, and basically moving in after 2 years of existing in this house, but it seems like dirt and clutter just gravitate back to the same old spots. It feels like an endless losing battle. School is starting very soon, and I need to finish getting everything organized and together. I'm not spending the time with the kids they want, doing fun things together over this summer break. The garden has weeds in it, and the green beans should have been picked but weren't. Several projects I was determined to get done this summer are still unfinished. I'm just not enough. I don't reach around. The demands on my time and energy are bigger than the resources at my command, and the pressure to perform it ALL is crushing.

But in it all, I still find gratefulness to overwhelm my reflective moments. More and more thanksgiving is replacing my old habits of doubt, worry, fear, and keeping up appearances. All the sermons I've heard and books I've read encouraging, even demanding, thankfulness meant nothing to me except one more thing I was doing wrong. One more failure. More discouragement piled on top of the already unbearable load.

So, where was the grateful heart hiding all these many years? 

It was hiding under the pile of condemnation. The feeling that I had to have all my ducks in a neat, smiling little row, and if I didn't, well, I wasn't a very good Christian. Obvious, right? 

Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Sincerely trying to do my best to look the way I was taught Christians look, to do what good Christians are supposed to do, was a slap in the face of the One I claimed to serve. My heart was distressed, sad, broken. I chased that elusive dream of perfection so hard, and never caught up. All the while believing God was disappointed, even upset, that I wasn't fully glorifying His name. Until I couldn't run anymore, and crashed. Then I was right where God wanted me. You see, He had a plan. He wanted me broken. He wanted me to see that nothing I could do was good enough. That my attempted righteousness was like filthy rags. Oh, He had saved me and cleansed me, no doubt about that! If I had died on the operating table the day Treasure was taken from us, I had full assurance and peace that I would be going Home to see Him. But life is a journey, and we aren't finished yet. The journey that I am walking had to bring me to a place to see just how little I could do to meet the demands I had been taught all my life were "Christianity". When that was stripped from me, I saw I had been chasing a mirage that did nothing to give life. And I gave up. I chose to face, and embrace, my failures, my brokenness, my hurts, my pain. He chose to cut the chains and give life. 

He is enough. His blood is enough. His love is enough. I don't need to do anything. Even resting in His arms... He is holding me. And then the thankfulness brings tears to my eyes. He doesn't need me to be perfect. He needs me to be broken. My failures and weaknesses are no stumbling block to Him.  They are a portal for His glory. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

My tears and failures so far this week are part of redemption's story. Part of reminding me the cracks remain. An answer to my prayer that I would not be filled with my self, my own importance, what I'm doing right, and the few accolades of men that have threatened to puff me up recently. How well I know it is the work of God, and God alone! He is the light shining through the broken places of this vessel of clay. Plus, I'm still learning how to put the expectations of others behind me and to set aside demands that look good on the outside but leave me empty and unable to do what is most important for myself and my family. Like I said, it's a journey. There's a lot of learning still ahead.

There is oh so much more to the story, believe me! The story of my journey so far has many facets. I will be exploring more in upcoming blogs, so if you want to get the freshest news you can sign up to have the blogs emailed to you after every new release, on the upper right hand corner I believe.

New beginnings

Yesterday, July 15, Jaron chose to be baptized as a profession of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. 

We couldn't be more... well, not sure what the right word would be! Proud? Happy? Blessed? Thankful? Awed? There were tears in my eyes as I saw his joy and confidence. Tears of amazement. A lot of excitement. And just a tiny spot in my heart was feeling a bit of a quiver of apprehension. After all, we've never done this before. We've never had the opportunity to disciple a child, now a brother in the Lord. It's a great responsibility and I feel woefully unprepared! How do we lead this little boy, fast growing into a young man, so full of life and hope, visions and dreams? His exuberance, his whole-heartedness in everything he puts his mind to, his total love of people... He is such a blessing!

And it's been a very reassuring journey for me, as well, watching God work. Without constraint, without us pushing, begging, pleading, or even asking, Jaron freely chose to follow Jesus. I credit much of this to the freedom and joy Jere and I have been discovering in the last year or two on our own spiritual journey. Now God has more room to work, and He is proving faithful over and over and over again. We are also slowly learning to change our parenting techniques, to parent with an open hand and allow Jaron freedom to fly, freedom to make his own choices, and the freedom to govern himself. Within reasonable limits for an 11 year old, of course! I'm finding it a little hard to transition from raising a little boy where I oversaw every detail of his life to a young man who has his own choices in life. To find the balance between instruction, command, and allowing him choices... and the consequences, good or bad, of those choices.

One of the biggest things I've been learning lately is in not dictating attitudes. God does not dictate to me what attitude I'm to have, and it's come to the point where I cannot dictate to my son his attitudes either. That's a hard thing when I feel he is being disrespectful and I just want to make him respect me! What a picture of a God Who desires our love... and yet allows us to choose to love, or not. Forcing compliance on the outside has only been netting us resentful respect. However, quietly pointing out the problem "Son, you are having a bad attitude." and then walking away and allowing him to grapple with right and wrong in his own heart has to this point ALWAYS provoked a heart change and a heartfelt apology with a change of attitude and a child who is anxious to love and honor us. Not to say we don't have our clashes and issues, but God is proving faithful to do the work behind the scenes.

Please pray for us as we begin a new chapter in our lives. A fresh, exciting, beautiful chapter... that also has it's challenges ahead. Pray especially that Jaron would grow into a strong and tender man of God, who loves Jesus with his whole heart! And that we as his parents will learn how to nurture and guide through the coming years.

The Redemption of the Past

Looking into the hazy, happy, blurry, dark past, I feel both nostalgic and sad. Until a few weeks ago, there was too much pain to even want to look back. Pain of both what I faced, and what I caused others to endure. Regrets. Sorrow. Hurt. Sadness. It took hard work to remember the good. But nearly nothing to trigger the painful. Life had become an unending blur of gray shadows, bare and devoid of feelings. 

BUT

There is redemption. And it happened to me. 

I really hate changing up the tone of a blog that has been full of cute puppies and even cuter children. Of sunshine and happiness, of that "perfect" family I wanted so desperately to be. I dislike "bait and switch" tactics, and I hope you don't feel that this losing the light and fluffy exterior is a deal breaker. If so, please feel free to not bother to look here again. I tried starting other blogs, but they never made it anywhere and fizzled out quickly. Granted, I've taken a break of a couple of years from this one too. But I'm back... to tell an untold story. Yes, there will still be puppies and flowers, joy and sunshine. Only this time the sunshine is brighter, and the laughter real laughter. And intermingled will be pieces of our journey... my journey. A journey from pain to the redemption of that pain. A look beyond the façade into the heart. A broken heart. A broken life, underneath the prettier but shallow tapestry of appearances. A brokenness that is there to embrace, and watch the Light shine out and make whole. A redemption. I trust it will be beautiful, and I invite you to walk this path with me.

A 2 year break... and I'm BACK!

So it's been about 2 years since I've update our little blog. Two years ago Sunday that we closed on our new house and moved our family onto a farm. What an epic 2 years it's been! Since I can't catch you up on everything that has transpired in the last two years, I'll hit some of the highlights.

The kids. Jaron just finished 5th grade. I can't believe I have a 6th grader coming up! He's 11, and growing so much in so many ways. He gave his heart to the Lord a couple of months ago, and we are so grateful. His current dreams are to be a well-drilling missionary doctor. I've told him that may be a bit much to handle... but I'm not going to discourage him from all God has for him! It helps him have a reason to dig into his school work and learn all he can now, and to save up for college some day. He attended 2 soccer camps last summer, which was an enjoyable new experience for him, though he has other things he wants to do with his summer this year, like helping me train the pony so he can ride Chief without a lead rope. His dearest dream is being able to chase cows on his spunky little friend!

Eliott finished 2nd grade in May. He is a huge help, and pretty much took over the mowing of our large yard. He loves machines, engines, and moving things. He's our self-proclaimed mechanic, taking apart everything we allow him to get his hands on. Every time we drive by someone mowing, he watches them as long as he can, dreaming of starting his own lawn care business as soon as we'll let him. He's been working with Jere a fair amount this summer, begging to go along to work to earn a little spending money... which he wisely spends on tools or puts in his savings account, mostly. He's been taking guitar lessons, and loving it!

Leanna is 2/3's of her way through 1st grade. I'm ok with that, as that means she's 2/3's of a year ahead! We're working at her pace, and she's excelling with the flexibility. Once summer break started, she decided she wanted to read the Little House books, so she's been working hard at that, and doing an amazing job reading far above "grade level". Whatever that's supposed to mean. Her greatest delight this summer is every 3 weeks she gets to plan a whole week's worth of supper meals, and help me make them.

And last but not least, is the firecracker of the family! Candice is 2, and keeps us well entertained with her pithy use of words too long for her little tongue. She is our youngest to stay dry all night without a diaper, and while summer has caused a relapse in the potty training department since she doesn't like to have to leave her play to potty, she's pretty much fully potty trained and I'm SO happy to be mostly done with that stage! Candi is by far the most active, energetic, and intense little person we've had. Some days she's a struggle for this introverted mama, and some days she's a great delight. She's standing next to me right now, as usual, cradling a baby doll in her arms, her horse baseball cap on, purse hanging from her shoulder, and the hem of her dress soaking from some water she just came in from playing with outside. She loves babies of all kinds, all of our animals, and all the people she meets.

The house we bought 2 years ago was in pretty sorry shape, as it was a foreclosure of a group home for mentally unstable adults. Fully furnished, including food in the cupboards, and not lived in for 3 years. It was an incredibly daunting task to think of taking on another such intense remodeling project so soon after just completing our last house, but for the price and with the acreage, it just seemed like it was right. It has consumed our "free" time, and most of our energy, just trying to get things livable. I'll make a separate post for descriptions of what we've been doing in that regard. In a snapshot, it's gone from a jungle to a working farm.

And on the farm end of things... as of this morning we have 13 cattle, including 4 calves just born in the last couple of weeks, with one more on the way. Tomorrow our steer goes to the locker, and soon we'll be enjoying some wonderful grass fed beef again! (If you want some, let us know. We have half still available for sale.) We just raised our 8th litter of Alaskan Malamute puppies, and said goodbye to the last one on Saturday. We acquired a second female last spring, so might have 2 litters next summer! Last fall we also adopted a little black mutt, who I hope will become my running partner. "Dixie" is thoroughly enjoyed by the children, while she grows up a bit before she can actually come running with me! Since last August we've added horses to the farm--an addition I couldn't be more excited about! We have a pony for the kids to enjoy, two adult females that were rescues, and a new little baby born 3 weeks ago who is the cutest thing EVER. So far we haven't been able to ride any except the pony, but I've been working with their training and hope to soon be riding the one who didn't have a baby. It's been a very sweet and demanding journey for me getting back into horses again after so many years, and the ones I have are quite challenging from a trainer's standpoint, being "older" horses who were either neglected or abused. But they have been also very therapeutic for me, in many ways.

Mama and baby

The last two years have been incredibly difficult ones for us. Underneath all the exhaustion of raising a family, remodeling our home, working the farm, and work, there has been a lot of things going on in our hearts. Difficult things, yet they have been good as well, as they have produced good fruit. Over the past number of years, we've come to an increased realization that we were missing the heart of God. He said to love... I chose to worry what people looked like and whether they were following the unwritten rules that spoke of being a "true" Christian (that were no where to be found in the Word of God). It would take a whole series of blog posts to even begin to touch the surface of where all we've grown in our spiritual lives, how our lives have changed so much for the better, and the healing Jesus has brought to the deep, dark, painful secrets and memories that used to haunt me. We've not "arrived", there are still hard days and hard situations, but the depression I've struggled with for years is gone. Beauty has meaning again. The colorlessness of life has burst into spring time. I am so grateful. So grateful for freedom... freedom from fear, freedom to love, freedom to revel in God creating me just how He wanted me, and He loves me.

GRATEFUL. THANKFUL. BLESSED.