Water, Water, Everywhere

After my last post was a bit heavy, thought I'd lighten things up with what we've been doing lately! Most of all, just listening to it rain. It's been SO wet here, everything is soggy and muddy. I am so grateful we finally have some decent grass, so at least the mud isn't quite as close to the house. The poor horses and cows, though... October in Wisconsin is kind of miserable!


We've been working off and on at putting a front porch on our house, which included refinishing my grandma's old picnic table. I'm thrilled! I think I might actually eventually learn to like this house after all. (Just in case you're wondering, no, I haven't liked our house. I like the location and the property, but not the house. I think mostly because I was burned out from remodeling our previous house and not ready to face another huge project, and this one has been a whopper.) The most delightful part of our new porch is that we are putting a small second story balcony above part of it, which will be accessed from the master bedroom. I'm dreaming of being able to do my writing with a big westward view next summer!

The last two days have been very humid and warm, resulting in the yearly plague of Asian beetles and Boxelder bugs. Just stepping outside the door can feel like an aerobic exercise trying to keep them from going into the house and out of all convenient crevices on one's person. Thankfully it usually only lasts a short time, and we'll soon be back to normal exits and entrances.

The baby of the family finally moved out of her toddler bed into her own room and big girl bed. Not quite sure how ready I was for this progress (I won't confess how long I've been putting it off!), but she is thrilled. So thrilled, in fact, that she runs to put her jammies on as soon as supper is over, then comes to kiss us all goodnight before snuggling in... for about 10 minutes, until the sounds of the rest of us going about our evening are too enticing and she has to get up to check out what's up. The toddler bed and changing table/dresser have been sold, and all the clothes she's outgrown have found new homes. Sigh. But I'm super duper glad to be done with potty training and, for the most part, interrupted nights.

Overall, we've stayed pretty healthy and happy lately! Way too busy for our own good, I think, but that comes with the season as we frantically try to get everything we need to buttoned up before winter shows up... racing between raindrops.

It's the country life!

As I was waiting for the water trough to fill for the horses this morning, I spent some time walking across the pasture and just looking all around. Most of my life I've spent dreaming of something better. More of this, less of that. But really, as I looked around, I don't think it gets better than this! Rich green grass, a bright blue sky with some fluffy white clouds for accents, a cool, refreshing breeze, warm but not hot... a hay field just over the fence, freshly cut and baled and safely stored away. Acres of fields and woods for the kids to play in. A huge, mostly level yard perfect for ball games and picnics. Relatively quiet country roads. Horses and cows contentedly munching the grass. Roosters crowing in the background. And glorious sunshine pouring in over it all.

And as I reflect, I feel tears starting to well. I'm so, so grateful. Last night, to be honest, I cried myself to sleep. I felt like such an incredible failure. The kids have done nothing but bicker and fight the last couple of days. The oldest has been resisting taking responsibility for himself. I've been doing a lot of cleaning, unpacking, decluttering, and basically moving in after 2 years of existing in this house, but it seems like dirt and clutter just gravitate back to the same old spots. It feels like an endless losing battle. School is starting very soon, and I need to finish getting everything organized and together. I'm not spending the time with the kids they want, doing fun things together over this summer break. The garden has weeds in it, and the green beans should have been picked but weren't. Several projects I was determined to get done this summer are still unfinished. I'm just not enough. I don't reach around. The demands on my time and energy are bigger than the resources at my command, and the pressure to perform it ALL is crushing.

But in it all, I still find gratefulness to overwhelm my reflective moments. More and more thanksgiving is replacing my old habits of doubt, worry, fear, and keeping up appearances. All the sermons I've heard and books I've read encouraging, even demanding, thankfulness meant nothing to me except one more thing I was doing wrong. One more failure. More discouragement piled on top of the already unbearable load.

So, where was the grateful heart hiding all these many years? 

It was hiding under the pile of condemnation. The feeling that I had to have all my ducks in a neat, smiling little row, and if I didn't, well, I wasn't a very good Christian. Obvious, right? 

Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Sincerely trying to do my best to look the way I was taught Christians look, to do what good Christians are supposed to do, was a slap in the face of the One I claimed to serve. My heart was distressed, sad, broken. I chased that elusive dream of perfection so hard, and never caught up. All the while believing God was disappointed, even upset, that I wasn't fully glorifying His name. Until I couldn't run anymore, and crashed. Then I was right where God wanted me. You see, He had a plan. He wanted me broken. He wanted me to see that nothing I could do was good enough. That my attempted righteousness was like filthy rags. Oh, He had saved me and cleansed me, no doubt about that! If I had died on the operating table the day Treasure was taken from us, I had full assurance and peace that I would be going Home to see Him. But life is a journey, and we aren't finished yet. The journey that I am walking had to bring me to a place to see just how little I could do to meet the demands I had been taught all my life were "Christianity". When that was stripped from me, I saw I had been chasing a mirage that did nothing to give life. And I gave up. I chose to face, and embrace, my failures, my brokenness, my hurts, my pain. He chose to cut the chains and give life. 

He is enough. His blood is enough. His love is enough. I don't need to do anything. Even resting in His arms... He is holding me. And then the thankfulness brings tears to my eyes. He doesn't need me to be perfect. He needs me to be broken. My failures and weaknesses are no stumbling block to Him.  They are a portal for His glory. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

My tears and failures so far this week are part of redemption's story. Part of reminding me the cracks remain. An answer to my prayer that I would not be filled with my self, my own importance, what I'm doing right, and the few accolades of men that have threatened to puff me up recently. How well I know it is the work of God, and God alone! He is the light shining through the broken places of this vessel of clay. Plus, I'm still learning how to put the expectations of others behind me and to set aside demands that look good on the outside but leave me empty and unable to do what is most important for myself and my family. Like I said, it's a journey. There's a lot of learning still ahead.

There is oh so much more to the story, believe me! The story of my journey so far has many facets. I will be exploring more in upcoming blogs, so if you want to get the freshest news you can sign up to have the blogs emailed to you after every new release, on the upper right hand corner I believe.

A 2 year break... and I'm BACK!

So it's been about 2 years since I've update our little blog. Two years ago Sunday that we closed on our new house and moved our family onto a farm. What an epic 2 years it's been! Since I can't catch you up on everything that has transpired in the last two years, I'll hit some of the highlights.

The kids. Jaron just finished 5th grade. I can't believe I have a 6th grader coming up! He's 11, and growing so much in so many ways. He gave his heart to the Lord a couple of months ago, and we are so grateful. His current dreams are to be a well-drilling missionary doctor. I've told him that may be a bit much to handle... but I'm not going to discourage him from all God has for him! It helps him have a reason to dig into his school work and learn all he can now, and to save up for college some day. He attended 2 soccer camps last summer, which was an enjoyable new experience for him, though he has other things he wants to do with his summer this year, like helping me train the pony so he can ride Chief without a lead rope. His dearest dream is being able to chase cows on his spunky little friend!

Eliott finished 2nd grade in May. He is a huge help, and pretty much took over the mowing of our large yard. He loves machines, engines, and moving things. He's our self-proclaimed mechanic, taking apart everything we allow him to get his hands on. Every time we drive by someone mowing, he watches them as long as he can, dreaming of starting his own lawn care business as soon as we'll let him. He's been working with Jere a fair amount this summer, begging to go along to work to earn a little spending money... which he wisely spends on tools or puts in his savings account, mostly. He's been taking guitar lessons, and loving it!

Leanna is 2/3's of her way through 1st grade. I'm ok with that, as that means she's 2/3's of a year ahead! We're working at her pace, and she's excelling with the flexibility. Once summer break started, she decided she wanted to read the Little House books, so she's been working hard at that, and doing an amazing job reading far above "grade level". Whatever that's supposed to mean. Her greatest delight this summer is every 3 weeks she gets to plan a whole week's worth of supper meals, and help me make them.

And last but not least, is the firecracker of the family! Candice is 2, and keeps us well entertained with her pithy use of words too long for her little tongue. She is our youngest to stay dry all night without a diaper, and while summer has caused a relapse in the potty training department since she doesn't like to have to leave her play to potty, she's pretty much fully potty trained and I'm SO happy to be mostly done with that stage! Candi is by far the most active, energetic, and intense little person we've had. Some days she's a struggle for this introverted mama, and some days she's a great delight. She's standing next to me right now, as usual, cradling a baby doll in her arms, her horse baseball cap on, purse hanging from her shoulder, and the hem of her dress soaking from some water she just came in from playing with outside. She loves babies of all kinds, all of our animals, and all the people she meets.

The house we bought 2 years ago was in pretty sorry shape, as it was a foreclosure of a group home for mentally unstable adults. Fully furnished, including food in the cupboards, and not lived in for 3 years. It was an incredibly daunting task to think of taking on another such intense remodeling project so soon after just completing our last house, but for the price and with the acreage, it just seemed like it was right. It has consumed our "free" time, and most of our energy, just trying to get things livable. I'll make a separate post for descriptions of what we've been doing in that regard. In a snapshot, it's gone from a jungle to a working farm.

And on the farm end of things... as of this morning we have 13 cattle, including 4 calves just born in the last couple of weeks, with one more on the way. Tomorrow our steer goes to the locker, and soon we'll be enjoying some wonderful grass fed beef again! (If you want some, let us know. We have half still available for sale.) We just raised our 8th litter of Alaskan Malamute puppies, and said goodbye to the last one on Saturday. We acquired a second female last spring, so might have 2 litters next summer! Last fall we also adopted a little black mutt, who I hope will become my running partner. "Dixie" is thoroughly enjoyed by the children, while she grows up a bit before she can actually come running with me! Since last August we've added horses to the farm--an addition I couldn't be more excited about! We have a pony for the kids to enjoy, two adult females that were rescues, and a new little baby born 3 weeks ago who is the cutest thing EVER. So far we haven't been able to ride any except the pony, but I've been working with their training and hope to soon be riding the one who didn't have a baby. It's been a very sweet and demanding journey for me getting back into horses again after so many years, and the ones I have are quite challenging from a trainer's standpoint, being "older" horses who were either neglected or abused. But they have been also very therapeutic for me, in many ways.

Mama and baby

The last two years have been incredibly difficult ones for us. Underneath all the exhaustion of raising a family, remodeling our home, working the farm, and work, there has been a lot of things going on in our hearts. Difficult things, yet they have been good as well, as they have produced good fruit. Over the past number of years, we've come to an increased realization that we were missing the heart of God. He said to love... I chose to worry what people looked like and whether they were following the unwritten rules that spoke of being a "true" Christian (that were no where to be found in the Word of God). It would take a whole series of blog posts to even begin to touch the surface of where all we've grown in our spiritual lives, how our lives have changed so much for the better, and the healing Jesus has brought to the deep, dark, painful secrets and memories that used to haunt me. We've not "arrived", there are still hard days and hard situations, but the depression I've struggled with for years is gone. Beauty has meaning again. The colorlessness of life has burst into spring time. I am so grateful. So grateful for freedom... freedom from fear, freedom to love, freedom to revel in God creating me just how He wanted me, and He loves me.

GRATEFUL. THANKFUL. BLESSED.