Time Out at the Lake

Last weekend we drove up to visit my sister Michele and her fiancé Aaron at their new property on a lake in Minnesota. What a fun time! They don't have a house built yet, so we essentially camped with them on a raw property. And we spent a LOT of time on and in the water! I think this quickly became a favorite summer vacation spot for us! Here are a few highlights in pictures.

Aaron's lovely mom brought some small fireworks, and the kids LOVED them!

Returning from a walk.

The view from the top of the bluff where the campers were parked and their house will be built, out towards the lake.

Out on the boat.

Tubing fun! He managed to stay on despite become airborne a time or two!

The two middles decided to try the tube together. One was utterly delighted and the other wasn't so much. Can you tell which is which?!

Then the one who enjoyed the tube went back out all by herself!

Jere tubed a bit, and then tried his hand at water skiing. He did an amazing job!

Playing in the water.

We were so blessed to spend this time together, and made lots of great memories. Shellie and Aaron, we'll be back!

Life in Grayscale

I've struggled with depression for years. To some, that may come as a surprise. To others, it's been quite obvious. It first came to my attention as anger--irrational and barely controlled rage that would rear its ugly head periodically. At first I was frustrated and confused. Where was this coming from? After all, good Christians with a real walk with God don't get depressed. If they are, they've failed. I'd failed enough in my life, I wasn't going to allow this to be added to the list.

But then I slowly realized even on good days the color had drained out of life. Everything seemed
bleak. I didn't enjoy things I used to love. It wasn't so much feeling down, the typically stereotypical signs of depression, it was just... grayness. Day after day after day. Mundane drudgery, even the "fun" stuff. I was SO tired. Tired of feeling tired. Eventually that accumulated until I felt like life was worthless. I was worthless. Heaven looked so attractive, and I got tired of burdening my family with my despair.

Yes, that meant what you think it means. I wished I were dead. And I thought about how it might happen. I'm not proud of those moments. When life felt like an unbearable burden and there was no way out. I was crying out for help, and no one heard. No one wanted to listen. I felt so alone. 

Then someone DID care enough to listen. Someone who was able to put an official name to the depression, and validated the label I had so feared. (And I am SO grateful to that precious, lovely woman!) I had clinical depression. And hope. Just the tiniest little glimmer. Depression can be fought. There are things to do, medications to take, to help my brain overcome these issues. I chose to try some other things outside of medication first, to see if that would help. So I ran. I took a few vitamins sporadically. But most of all, now that I had a label, certain people started to listen. And I could be honest. It was a hard road. I still had bad days. Life was still gray. But I could feel just a little bit better. I could see what I was doing was taking the edge off my issues, little by little. There was relief.

But I knew there was still something wrong, somewhere. Someone we sought for counsel told me that depression is a sign of unforgiveness, and that night I cried myself to sleep, again. I knew the dire warnings in the Bible about forgiving others so God would forgive us. I HAD forgiven people, as much as I knew how. I had said the words, had prayed the words, had tried as hard as I knew how to forgive as much as possible. Somehow I knew that he was right, but I didn't know what else to do. 

The Lord led us to a lovely couple about that time, and I immediately connected with the wife while we attended a conference they were speaking at. However, they lived a long ways away, and I didn't think we would be able to go see them for help. My wonderful husband said we were doing what it takes to find help. That we were in this together. So we went.

And I learned how to really forgive. I had said the words sincerely, trying to ignore the pain and hurt the offense had caused. I had forgiven and tried my best to forget. Now, I was guided to go back in time and release the pain simmering under the surface. Facing memories I had hoped to forget altogether. Reliving them. Allowing the pain to twist and turn. Letting the tears and the anger alike flow. To grapple with the depravity in my heart, and the depravity in other hearts that had deeply affected my life. And then, facing the anguish, to choose release. Just when I thought there was no way I could ever make it through the mire, the festering volcano of pain, to the path of forgiveness, Jesus stepped in. He wrapped me in His arms and took care of the price. I signed the check of forgiveness, so to speak, but it came from His account. 

And I was set free. HE set me free. I could see color again. And He danced over me with joy and delight, rejoicing in the woman HE created me to be. And how that woman is coming to be, is a story for another day. 

New beginnings

Yesterday, July 15, Jaron chose to be baptized as a profession of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. 

We couldn't be more... well, not sure what the right word would be! Proud? Happy? Blessed? Thankful? Awed? There were tears in my eyes as I saw his joy and confidence. Tears of amazement. A lot of excitement. And just a tiny spot in my heart was feeling a bit of a quiver of apprehension. After all, we've never done this before. We've never had the opportunity to disciple a child, now a brother in the Lord. It's a great responsibility and I feel woefully unprepared! How do we lead this little boy, fast growing into a young man, so full of life and hope, visions and dreams? His exuberance, his whole-heartedness in everything he puts his mind to, his total love of people... He is such a blessing!

And it's been a very reassuring journey for me, as well, watching God work. Without constraint, without us pushing, begging, pleading, or even asking, Jaron freely chose to follow Jesus. I credit much of this to the freedom and joy Jere and I have been discovering in the last year or two on our own spiritual journey. Now God has more room to work, and He is proving faithful over and over and over again. We are also slowly learning to change our parenting techniques, to parent with an open hand and allow Jaron freedom to fly, freedom to make his own choices, and the freedom to govern himself. Within reasonable limits for an 11 year old, of course! I'm finding it a little hard to transition from raising a little boy where I oversaw every detail of his life to a young man who has his own choices in life. To find the balance between instruction, command, and allowing him choices... and the consequences, good or bad, of those choices.

One of the biggest things I've been learning lately is in not dictating attitudes. God does not dictate to me what attitude I'm to have, and it's come to the point where I cannot dictate to my son his attitudes either. That's a hard thing when I feel he is being disrespectful and I just want to make him respect me! What a picture of a God Who desires our love... and yet allows us to choose to love, or not. Forcing compliance on the outside has only been netting us resentful respect. However, quietly pointing out the problem "Son, you are having a bad attitude." and then walking away and allowing him to grapple with right and wrong in his own heart has to this point ALWAYS provoked a heart change and a heartfelt apology with a change of attitude and a child who is anxious to love and honor us. Not to say we don't have our clashes and issues, but God is proving faithful to do the work behind the scenes.

Please pray for us as we begin a new chapter in our lives. A fresh, exciting, beautiful chapter... that also has it's challenges ahead. Pray especially that Jaron would grow into a strong and tender man of God, who loves Jesus with his whole heart! And that we as his parents will learn how to nurture and guide through the coming years.

Vacation!

We finally splurged on a vacation! And what a great time we had. Our first stop was in MN, to visit Aunt Kay and Uncle Robb. The kids enjoyed a swim in the lake, and getting their first rides in a kayak. Plus S'mores and sparklers and glow sticks...

Second stop was at the Lake Thompson State Park, near De Smet SD. A lake that was talked about in a couple of Laura Ingalls books. We had an enjoyable time despite the rain off and on while we were there. We rode bikes and waded, and visited several of the Laura Ingalls historic sites, including their homestead.

View of the Ingalls homestead... replica claim shanty on the left.

Now if he isn't the cutest...

… or maybe she is??

Helping with the laundry.

Learning to work a treadle sewing machine, and making button and string toys. 

The kids all got a chance to drive the pony and cart.

And the kids all got a chance to drive the mules pulling the covered wagon!

Making rope.

Umm... is this supposed to be yummy? It's messy!

Stop #3 was the Black Hills, where we spent 3 nights. We biked, went panning for gold, hiked, drove the wildlife loop and Needles Highway, and tried to dodge raindrops. Somehow it rained pretty much every day of the entire trip! (Not complaining, I know it's normally drier out there and they are grateful for moisture. I'm happy for the ones who live there.) Most of the activities I only captured on my phone, sorry.

The final bit of our trip was a delightful visit with my brother, his sweet girlfriend, and my sister in the mountains of Wyoming. We went hiking, exploring in the mountain woods near where we camped at 9,000', and the kids did a lot of bike riding, picking up rocks, and playing with the dogs. The views were breath taking. Again, it rained/sleeted numerous times, but rarely lasted for long. My favorite activity of the entire trip was when my brother's girlfriend, who is a horse lover too, took me out looking for wild mustangs. All the thrill of a hunt, with a trophy of watching those beautiful animals enjoying their natural habitat. Most of them never even saw us.  Despite a wrenched ankle those hikes will be fondly remembered for years. (By the way, I felt like I could finally really breathe out there. I guess I'll be a prairie girl to the day I die! Sorry to all the Wisconsin folk...)

Eliott spent most of his time chopping firewood!

Sooo, we're home again safe and sound... tired and happy. The camper is cleaned out, the laundry is done, and we're back to normal life. A calf died while we were gone, and we got two bottle calves to replace it, hoping that our kindly older cows would take them in as they have a reputation for allowing any calves in the herd to nurse. We'll see how that goes! Otherwise things look great here on the farm. And I'm trying to reacclimate to the crazy humidity!